Putin Baffled That ‘Hearts And Minds’ Campaign Of Freezing Civilians To Death Has Yet To Boost Poll Numbers


MOSCOW—Expressing visible frustration that his geopolitical outreach program was failing to resonate with the target demographic, Russian President Vladimir Putin held a press conference Monday to admit he was “frankly stumped” as to why a strategic initiative to plunge millions of Ukrainians into sub-zero darkness hasn’t resulted in a surge of pro-Kremlin sentiment.
“We have poured billions of rubles into this engagement campaign, meticulously dismantling their heating infrastructure to ensure every family in Kyiv has the opportunity to sit in pitch-black freezing conditions and reflect on our shared history,” said a bewildered Putin, gesturing to a line graph showing that despite a 400% increase in hypothermia-inducing missile strikes, Ukrainian desire to rejoin the Russian Federation remains statistically non-existent. “Logic dictates that once a population’s teeth are chattering uncontrollably and their pipes have burst, their natural reaction should be to embrace the aggressor responsible with open, frostbitten arms. We turned off the lights so they could see our love, yet they remain stubborn. Perhaps we simply haven't destroyed enough boilers to truly win their affection.”
At press time, the Kremlin announced plans to pivot to a new public relations strategy involving the targeted destruction of water treatment plants to see if dehydration makes the population more amenable to authoritarian rule.
This story is an interpreted work of social commentary based on real events. Source: NY Times