The Great Midwestern Theater: Subpoenas for the Performative, Outrage for the Obsolete


Welcome to the theater of the absurd, where the House Judiciary Committee has decided to play political archeologist. Jim Jordan, a man whose primary legislative achievement is shouting at people through a microphone while wearing a shirt that looks like it was ironed with a brick, has issued subpoenas to Minnesota’s holy trinity of progressive posturing: Governor Tim Walz, Mayor Jacob Frey, and Attorney General Keith Ellison. It’s a heartwarming reunion of people who fundamentally loathe one another, brought together by the shared realization that their careers are built on the shifting sands of performative outrage. This isn't a legal inquiry; it's a procedural tantrum masquerading as oversight, and we are all forced to watch the reruns.
The investigation centers on 'obstruction.' Specifically, whether these luminaries of the North Star State hampered ICE’s ability to deport people during the Great Virtue-Signaling Festivals of 2018 and 2019. It’s a classic American standoff. On one side, we have the Democrats, who treat 'sanctuary' status like a luxury branding exercise—all of the moral superiority of a martyr with none of the actual risk. On the other, we have the Republicans, who view every protest as a coup attempt and every bureaucratic delay as a violation of the Geneva Convention. Neither side is interested in the reality of immigration; they are only interested in how the optics can be weaponized for the next fundraising cycle.
Let’s look at the targets. Jacob Frey, a man who carries himself with the permanent air of a musical theater student waiting for his big break, is the perfect foil for this kind of nonsense. His contribution to the 'resistance' has always been more about lighting and camera angles than policy. Then there’s Tim Walz, the quintessential midwestern 'dad' who manages to look perpetually disappointed in everyone, including himself. And Keith Ellison, who has made a career out of being the radical in the room while ensuring the room remains exactly as it was when he entered it. To suggest these three could successfully coordinate a sophisticated 'obstruction' of federal law is to give them far too much credit for competence. They are not masterminds; they are bureaucrats who happened to be in the room when the yelling started.
The House Judiciary Committee, meanwhile, is engaging in a form of political necrophilia. Reaching back six years to find evidence of 'interference' is a bold move for a group of people who can barely pass a continuing resolution to keep the lights on in their own offices. The subpoenas are not an attempt to solve the immigration crisis—a crisis both parties rely on to keep their bases terrified and donating—but rather a way to fill the 24-hour news cycle with the sound of their own voices. Jordan and his cohorts aren't looking for the truth; they’re looking for clips they can post to social media with captions like 'SHREDS' or 'DESTROYS.' It’s governance by algorithm.
The irony, of course, is that while these titans of mediocrity clash over whether a mayor was too mean to a federal agent in 2018, the actual system remains a broken, grinding maw. The 'sanctuary' rhetoric of the Left is a thin veneer of compassion over a reality of neglect, and the 'law and order' obsession of the Right is a convenient excuse for state-sponsored cruelty. Neither side actually wants the 'problem' solved. If the problem were solved, Jim Jordan wouldn’t have anyone to yell at, and Jacob Frey wouldn’t have a cause to tweet about with a pensive, black-and-white filter. They need each other. They are the binary stars of our collapsing political galaxy, feeding off each other's heat while the rest of us freeze in the vacuum.
We are witnessing the final stages of a dying empire, where the governing class has given up on the future and decided instead to litigate the petty grievances of the recent past. This isn't governance; it's a reality show where the stakes are nonexistent and the actors are all unlikable. The subpoena is the ultimate tool of the modern politician—a piece of paper that generates headlines without requiring a single ounce of intellectual effort or moral courage. Minnesota, in its infinite capacity for 'niceness,' is the perfect stage for this farce. The 'Minnesota Nice' brand has finally met its match in the 'Washington Malice,' and the result is a slurry of intellectual dishonesty that would be offensive if it weren't so incredibly boring.
So, let us watch as the subpoenas are served, the lawyers are billed, and the cable news pundits sharpen their tongues. Nothing will change. No one will be held 'accountable' in any meaningful sense, because accountability is a concept that died years ago, buried under a mountain of fundraising emails and Twitter threads. We are trapped in a loop of recycled outrage, governed by people who view the law not as a framework for society, but as a prop for their next campaign ad. It’s exhausting, it’s stupid, and it’s exactly what we deserve for paying attention in the first place.
This story is an interpreted work of social commentary based on real events. Source: BBC News