Breaking News: Reality is crumbling

The Daily Absurdity

Unfiltered. Unverified. Unbelievable.

Home/Politics

Zelenskyy Claims US Security Agreement Is '100% Ready' – But Is Washington Stalling on the Deal?

Buck Valor
Written by
Buck ValorPersiflating Non-Journalist
Sunday, January 25, 2026
Share this story
A close-up, cynical editorial illustration of a fancy fountain pen hovering over a document that says 'AGREEMENT' in bold letters. The background is blurred and chaotic, perhaps suggesting smoke or rubble, contrasting with the clean, sterile nature of the document. The lighting should be moody and somewhat dark.
(Image: abcnews.go.com)

So, here we are again. Another day, another headline about how close we are to saving the world with a piece of paper. This time, the breaking news concerns the pivotal **Zelenskyy US security agreement**. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy explicitly states that the deal with the United States is "100% ready."

One hundred percent. That is a very specific metric in the murky waters of **US-Ukraine relations**. Usually, in politics, nothing is ever fully ready; things are merely "under discussion" or "moving forward." When a politician insists a **bilateral security pact** is 100% ready, it usually means they are desperate to close the deal while the other guy drags his feet. It sounds like a kid trying to convince his mom that his homework is totally done so he can go play video games, even though the essay is still sitting in the printer.

Relevant coverage
(Additional Image: abcnews.go.com)

Let’s look at what is actually happening with this **military aid timeline**. The leader of a country at war is standing there, holding a pen, waiting for the United States to check its Outlook calendar. He says they are just waiting for the "partners" to set a date. That is a polite diplomatic translation for, "Hurry up, you idiots."

It is painfully funny, isn't it? The United States loves to broadcast its commitment to global stability. We love to talk about freedom and standing tall. But when it comes time to actually sign the dotted line on a **Kyiv security deal**, suddenly everyone is busy. Suddenly, the schedule is full. It is like asking a friend to help you move a couch. They say they are 100% ready to help, but they just need to check if they are free next Saturday. Spoiler alert: They are never free.

Let’s talk about this agreement for a second. What is it, really? It is a stack of paper. It is a promise. In the real world, where bombs drop and buildings fall down, a stack of paper does not stop a tank. A signature does not catch a bullet. But to the suits in Washington and the desperate leaders in Kyiv, this paper is magic. They think if they sign it, they have accomplished something. They can hold a press conference. They can take photos shaking hands. They can look serious and important while the cameras flash.

And that is why Zelenskyy is pushing this "100% ready" line regarding the **US security commitments**. He knows how the game is played. He knows that if he doesn't keep shouting about it, the Americans will get distracted. Americans have the attention span of a goldfish. One minute we are worried about Ukraine, the next minute we are worried about gas prices, or a celebrity trial, or a cat stuck in a tree. If you don't keep waving your arms in our face, we forget you exist.

So, he has to go on TV and say, "Hey, it’s ready! We are just waiting on you!" It is a guilt trip. He is trying to shame the US into setting a date. It is a smart move, but it is also sad. It shows you just how broken the whole system is. You have a war grinding on, people suffering, and the big news story is about scheduling a meeting to sign a document that probably won't change the daily reality for the soldiers on the ground one bit.

Think about the phrase "security agreement." It sounds safe, doesn't it? It sounds like buying insurance for your car. But this isn't insurance. It is a promise that if things get bad, we might send more stuff. It is a way to formalize the flow of money and weapons. That is what this is really about. It is always about money and weapons. The security agreement makes sure the factories keep running and the shipments keep moving. It is a business contract dressed up as a hero story.

Both sides are playing a role here. The US gets to pretend to be the big, strong protector without actually putting boots on the ground. We get to sign the paper and feel good about ourselves. "Look," we will say, "we signed the agreement! We are the good guys!" Meanwhile, Ukraine gets to show its people that Big Brother America is still on their side. It is theater. It is a show put on for the voters and the history books.

And while they argue about dates and signatures, the clock keeps ticking. The reality on the ground doesn't care about agreements. Mud doesn't care about treaties. The only thing that is "100% ready" right now is the misery of the situation.

Eventually, they will pick a date. They will find a fancy room with nice flags. They will put on their best suits. They will use expensive pens to sign their names. Everyone will clap. The news anchors will say it is a "historic moment." And the next day, the sun will rise, and the mess will still be there. Because you cannot fix the world with a signature, no matter how "ready" the paper is. It is just ink. And ink is cheap. Blood is expensive, but ink? Ink is very, very cheap.

***

### References & Fact-Check * **Original Event:** Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy confirmed that the text of the security agreement with the United States is finalized and "100% ready," pending a signing date from US officials. * **Source Authority:** [ABC News: US security agreement for Ukraine is '100% ready' to be signed, Zelenskyy says](https://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory/us-security-agreement-ukraine-100-ready-signed-zelenskyy-129545485) * **Context:** This negotiation is part of a broader series of bilateral security agreements Ukraine is establishing with Western allies to ensure long-term defense support.

This story is an interpreted work of social commentary based on real events. Source: ABC News

Distribute the Absurdity

Enjoying the Apocalypse?

Journalism is dead, but our server costs are very much alive. Throw a coin to your local cynic to keep the lights on while we watch the world burn.

Tax Deductible? Probably Not.

Comments (0)

Loading comments...