Welcome back to the theater of the absurd, where the latest performance involves the Iranian Ministry of Foreign Affairs standing in front of a burning room and calmly explaining that the thermostat is just set a little high. Their latest press release? A frantic, if dry, insistence that no, they haven’t actually closed any foreign embassies.

In the world of international diplomacy, an announcement that you *haven't* done something is usually a pretty good indicator that everyone is currently looking for the 'Eject' button. It’s the geopolitical equivalent of a husband telling his wife he definitely hasn’t forgotten their anniversary while he’s secretly scrolling through 24-hour flower delivery apps under the table. When a nation feels the need to clarify that the lights are still on and the interns are still filing paperwork at the Swedish embassy, you can bet the vibes on the ground are somewhere between ‘mild panic’ and ‘last helicopter out of Saigon.’

The MFA is playing a classic game of ‘Optics Over Reality.’ By issuing this statement, they’re trying to project a sense of stability to a global audience that knows exactly how many regional fuse boxes are currently sparking. It’s a performative dance designed to keep the markets from twitching and the remaining diplomatic skeleton crews from packing their Gucci luggage. We’re supposed to believe that everything is business as usual in Tehran, even as the regional chess board is being kicked over by players who stopped following the rules of the game decades ago.

Let’s be real: ‘Open’ is a flexible term in diplomacy. An embassy can be technically ‘open’ while the ambassador is teleconferencing from a bunker and the shredders are working overtime in the basement. But the MFA wants you to focus on the door hinges. See? They still swing. No locks have been changed. Pay no attention to the sirens or the fact that the diplomatic gala invitations have been replaced by emergency evacuation drills. It’s a masterclass in saying absolutely nothing while revealing exactly how nervous the room really is. Stay cynical, folks. It’s the only way to see through the fog of state-sponsored reassurance.