Welcome back to the theater of the absurd, where the script is written in crayon and the actors are all checking their stock portfolios between takes. Today’s performance: ‘The Great Scramble.’ You’ve seen the headlines. The Democrats are currently in a state of high-octane, late-stage panic, suddenly realizing that the massive, well-oiled deportation engine known as ICE is about to be handed back to a man who treats the federal register like a personal burn book.

It’s a touching scene, really. It’s like watching someone spend four years building a high-tech guillotine in their backyard, only to realize at the very last second that the new neighbor they hate is moving in tomorrow and has a real thing for public executions. Now, they’re frantically looking for the instruction manual to see if there’s a ‘safety’ mode they neglected to install.

Let’s be clear: the 'force' they’re so desperate to restrain didn’t just manifest out of thin air. It was funded, authorized, and maintained with a bipartisan shrug for decades. But now that the optics have shifted from ‘necessary border management’ to ‘impending PR nightmare,’ the scramble is on. We’re being treated to a flurry of memos, proposed legislative 'guardrails' that have the structural integrity of wet tissue paper, and a whole lot of performative hand-wringing on cable news.

What’s actually being done? Mostly, they’re looking for ways to tie the machine’s shoelaces together with administrative red tape. They’re hoping that a few well-placed bureaucratic hurdles might slow down the inevitable. It’s a classic D.C. move: don’t fix the systemic issue when you have the power; instead, wait until you’re powerless and then complain that the system is broken. It’s not about human rights, folks—it’s about the terrifying realization that the checks and balances they spent years bragging about were mostly just pinky-swears and polite suggestions. Now, as the clock ticks down, the only thing they’re successfully restraining is their own sense of culpability. Stay cynical, friends. It’s the only way to stay sane.