Let us all take a moment to appreciate the pure, unadulterated comedy of the modern world. We are witnessing a clash of civilizations, a titanic struggle between the world’s two greatest superpowers. And what is the battlefield for this epic war? Is it the South China Sea? Is it the race for nuclear fusion? No. It is a phone application where fourteen-year-olds lip-sync to pop songs and people film themselves baking bread. The theater of the absurd has truly outdone itself this time.

The recent news about the “deal” forced upon TikTok’s parent company, ByteDance, is being framed as a serious matter of national security. The Americans, in their infinite wisdom and paranoia, have decided that a Chinese-owned app is a Trojan Horse. They believe that behind every video of a cute dog or a viral dance challenge lies a secret agent in Beijing, eagerly taking notes on the viewing habits of bored suburbanites. It is a wonderful story, mostly because it requires us to believe that the American government actually understands how the internet works. Watching elderly politicians in Washington try to ban an app is like watching a dog try to do a math problem—it is confusing, loud, and ultimately pointless.

But let us look at the reality of this situation for China’s “tech champions,” as the headlines so dramatically call them. ByteDance is in a position that is both tragic and hilarious. They did exactly what capitalism told them to do. They built a product that people loved. They created an algorithm that is smarter, faster, and more addictive than anything Facebook or Google could dream up. They won the game. And what is their prize for winning? A ban. You see, the free market is a lovely concept, but apparently, it only applies when the winners have the correct passport.

This sends a very clear message to every other technology company in China with global ambitions. The message is simple: “Do not be too successful.” If you make a mediocre app that nobody uses, you are safe. But if you make something that captures the attention of the world, the United States will panic. They will not try to build a better app to compete with you. That requires effort and innovation. No, it is much easier to just pass a law and steal your business. It is the geopolitical equivalent of a child flipping the board game over because they are losing.

Of course, we must not pretend that the Chinese government is an innocent victim in this play. The irony is thick enough to cut with a knife. China has spent decades blocking American apps like Facebook, Google, and Twitter. They built a Great Wall around their own internet to keep foreign ideas out. Now, they are crying foul because the Americans are building a wall of their own. It is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, except both the pot and the kettle are surveillance states that want to control everything you see.

The “new reality” mentioned in the news is actually quite old. It is called protectionism, but with a digital facelift. For Chinese tech giants, the dream of a borderless digital world is dead. They can no longer just build great code and expect to sell it everywhere. Now, they must navigate a minefield of angry politicians and suspicious bureaucrats. Every line of code they write will be inspected for spies. Every server they buy will be treated like a weapon. It must be exhausting.

And what about the deal itself? We are told it is a compromise. But let’s be honest with each other—it is a hostage negotiation. The US government effectively put a gun to the head of a popular app and said, “Sell this to our friends, or we will kill it.” This is not how business is done in a civilized society; it is how business is done in a gangster movie. But because it is done by men in suits in Washington, we are supposed to nod and pretend it is legitimate governance.

The saddest part of this entire fiasco is what it means for the rest of us. We, the users, are just pawns. Nobody actually cares about our data privacy. If the American government cared about privacy, they would have regulated their own tech companies years ago. They are perfectly happy for American companies to track your every move, sell your data, and manipulate your mood. They just don't want a Chinese company doing it. It is not about protecting you; it is about who gets to exploit you.

So, here we are. The internet is being carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey. We are moving toward a future where there is a Chinese internet and an American internet, and never the two shall meet. It is a stupid, fragmented future born of fear and incompetence. But at least we can take comfort in one thing: no matter which government controls the app, the videos of cats falling off furniture will remain exactly the same.