Rhode Island is a weird place. It is tiny. It is mostly water and potholes. It is the sort of place that exists just so you have to drive through it to get somewhere better. And right now, this little state is facing a crisis that perfectly sums up the absolute stupidity of modern life. They might get rid of the Mr. Potato Head license plate.

Yes, you read that right. This is actual news. This is what passes for a serious problem in America today. While everything else is falling apart, while prices go up and the world burns, we are worried about a picture of a plastic tuber on the back of a sedan.

Let’s back up for a second. For years, Rhode Island has let people pay extra money to put Mr. Potato Head on their license plates. Why? Because the toy company that makes him, Hasbro, is headquartered there. That is our culture now. We don't put heroes on our cars. We don't put fierce animals or beautiful landscapes. We put corporate mascots. We put toys. We willingly turn our vehicles into moving billboards for a plastic lump with detachable eyes. And we pay the government for the privilege.

Now, the state says they might stop making them. Apparently, not enough people are buying them anymore. This is how the market works. If you don't buy the potato, the potato dies. It is simple math. But of course, because this is 2024, everything has to be a tragedy. Losing this plate is being treated like we are losing a piece of history.

It is just a toy. It is a brown lump of plastic that you stick ears into. It has no soul. It has no brain. Actually, maybe it is the perfect symbol for the average voter. Maybe that is why people like it so much. They see themselves in Mr. Potato Head. He is empty inside, he has a fake smile, and if you shake him hard enough, his face falls off. That sounds like most of the people I meet at the bar.

Think about the person who buys this plate. You are an adult. You have a job. You pay taxes. You drive a car that weighs two tons. And you decide, "You know what this machine needs? A cartoon potato on the bumper." It is infantile. It is embarrassing. It shows that we refuse to grow up. We need our toys everywhere. We need our little comfort blankets. We can't just have a plain number on our car. We need to express our "personality." And apparently, that personality is "I like toys."

But the government is involved, so you know it is a mess. The DMV is the place where hope goes to die. The fact that the DMV even got into the business of selling cartoon plates shows how far we have fallen. They should be fixing the roads. They should be making the lines shorter. Instead, they are acting like a gift shop. They are peddling merch.

The saddest part is that this plate was supposed to help a food bank. That is the only good thing about it. But think about how twisted that is. To feed hungry people, we have to sell pictures of a toy potato. We can't just fund the food bank because it is the right thing to do. No, we need a treat. We need a reward. "I will help the poor, but only if I get a funny sticker for my Honda Civic." That is the American way. We are selfish even when we are trying to be nice.

So now the plate is on the chopping block. It might go away. And people will complain. They will say the state is killing the fun. They will say Rhode Island is losing its identity. If your identity is tied to a plastic potato, you have bigger problems than a license plate.

This whole story is a distraction. It is noise. The people in charge love this stuff. They love it when we argue about plastic toys and beer cans and flags. It keeps us from looking at the real problems. While we weep for Mr. Potato Head, the roads are still bad. The bridges are crumbling. The rent is too high. But sure, let’s save the potato.

I hope they cancel it. I hope they melt all the unsold plates down into a big gray blob. We don't deserve fun plates. We deserve rust and gray skies. We act like children, so we get treated like children. But even children eventually grow out of Mr. Potato Head. It seems the adults in Rhode Island never did.

Let the potato die. Drive your car. Look at the road, not the bumper in front of you. And if you really need a toy to make you feel better, go to a store and buy one. Keep it in your house. Don't make the rest of us look at it in traffic. We are miserable enough already.