Welcome to the latest episode of the world’s most expensive theater. In one corner, we have a real estate mogul who thinks the world is a game of Monopoly. In the other corner, we have a group of European leaders who are so busy arguing about how to tell a story that they have forgotten how to actually lead. This week, the topic of the play is Greenland. It is a big, icy place that most of these people could not find on a map without help. But because Donald Trump wants to buy it, the people in Brussels have to pretend they are very busy saving it.

Here is the real joke. The European Union leaders are currently fighting over a 'narrative.' In simple terms, a narrative is just a story you tell yourself to feel better about being bullied. They cannot decide if Trump stopped talking about Greenland because they were 'tough' or because they were 'willing to talk.' It is like watching two children argue over whether the school bully left them alone because they looked strong or because they gave him their lunch money. The truth is usually much simpler. The bully probably just got distracted by something shiny. But in the world of high-level politics, you cannot admit that. You have to make it sound like a complex game of chess.

So, while the world moves on, the EU leaders are sitting in a room trying to decide what to call their latest toy. They have a new tool they want to use. It has a very long, very boring name: the 'anti-coercion instrument.' In the real world, we call this a weapon. It is supposed to be a way to punish countries that try to bully Europe with trade threats. But because this is the EU, they cannot just use it. They have to spend days, weeks, and months arguing about whether they should even prepare to use it. They are basically standing in front of a giant and debating if they should pick up a rock, while the giant is already stepping on their toes.

This is the classic European problem. We love to talk. We love to have meetings about meetings. We love to create committees to decide which font to use on the surrender papers. The fact that they are divided on the 'narrative' shows how truly lost they are. Half of them want to look like heroes who stood up to a loud American. The other half are terrified that if they look too tough, the loud American will come back and take their cars or their wine. It is a pathetic display of weakness disguised as sophisticated diplomacy.

Let’s look at the 'anti-coercion instrument' again. The name itself tells you everything you need to know about bureaucratic minds. They do not want to call it a 'trade war tool' because that sounds scary and mean. They want it to sound like a medical device or a legal document. It is a paper shield. They want to show it to the world and hope everyone is so bored by the name that they stop attacking. But people like Trump do not care about fancy names. They care about power and land. The idea of buying Greenland is absurd, yes. But the idea that a committee in Brussels can stop a global shift in power with a 'narrative' is even more ridiculous.

I have seen this movie before. Europe thinks it is the sophisticated adult in the room. They think that by being slow and careful, they are being wise. In reality, they are just being slow. While they argue about whether to prepare their little trade weapon, the rest of the world is moving on. They are treating this like a legal debate in a university library. But the world is not a library. It is a playground where the biggest kid usually gets what he wants unless someone actually hits back.

The EU leaders are supposed to decide tonight what to do. But they won't really decide anything. They will likely release a statement that is so long and so boring that everyone will fall asleep reading it. That is their real 'anti-coercion instrument'—the power to bore their enemies into leaving them alone. They will go home feeling very smart, and the rest of us will continue to watch the slow collapse of a system that can’t even agree on why its enemies are laughing at it. It would be sad if it weren't so predictable. I told you this would happen. When reality knocks on the door, Europe usually pretends it isn't home and hopes the noise goes away.