Behold the latest chapter in the ongoing theatrical production known as ‘Western Civilization,’ a play that has long since run out of plot and is now just the actors throwing furniture at each other while the audience begs for a refund. This week’s performance features a cast of characters so profoundly tiresome that they make a dental cleaning feel like a vacation. In one corner, we have the American executive branch—a chaotic hurricane of gold-plated insecurity and real estate developer instincts. In the other, the European Union—a collection of well-dressed bureaucrats who react to geopolitical shifts with the speed and agility of a tectonic plate.

Kaja Kallas, the EU’s current designated mutterer of concern, has declared that relations with the United States have taken a ‘big blow.’ One wonders where, exactly, this blow landed. Perhaps squarely in the solar plexus of the EU’s collective delusion that they are an equal partner in a ‘rules-based order’—a concept that the United States treats like the suggestion box at a dive bar. The catalyst for this latest round of hand-wringing is, of course, the absurd saga of Greenland. After weeks of escalating threats from Donald Trump to annex the world’s largest island, the threat was suddenly rescinded in exchange for a ‘vague deal’ on Arctic security. It is the diplomatic equivalent of a man threatening to burn down your house unless you give him your lawnmower, then settling for a promise that you’ll look out for squirrels.

Let us analyze the sheer, unadulterated stupidity of the situation. Trump’s obsession with Greenland isn’t new; it’s a recurring fever dream, a manifestation of the American id that believes anything not nailed down is for sale, and if it is nailed down, you just need a bigger hammer. The Right-wing cheerleaders will undoubtedly frame this as ‘masterful negotiation,’ as if threatening to seize a sovereign territory belonging to a NATO ally is anything other than the diplomatic equivalent of a toddler screaming in a grocery store because he can’t have the shiny cereal. It’s not strategy; it’s a compulsive need for attention masquerading as manifest destiny.

Then there is the EU. Kallas’s lament that the bloc is living through ‘a lot of unpredictability’ is perhaps the most obvious statement ever uttered by a human being. ‘One day, one way; the other day, again, everything could change,’ she said, sounding less like a foreign policy chief and more like a weather reporter in a hurricane. This is the EU’s fatal flaw: they are obsessed with ‘predictability’ because they are incapable of acting without a three-year committee study and a consensus from twenty-seven different countries that can’t even agree on the proper curvature of a banana. They are a collection of paper tigers who are shocked—shocked!—that a man who built his career on being a volatile narcissist is acting like a volatile narcissist.

What is this ‘big blow’ Kallas speaks of? To have a blow, you must first have a solid foundation. The transatlantic relationship has been a mangled carcass for years, held together by the thin Scotch tape of shared economic interests and a mutual fear of things they don’t understand. The EU leaders gathered for an ‘emergency summit,’ a phrase that has lost all meaning in Brussels. They meet for ‘emergencies’ every time a US president tweets, yet they never actually do anything. They stand around microphones, look grave, and talk about ‘strategic autonomy’ while remaining utterly dependent on the American military-industrial complex to keep the lights on.

And let’s not forget the ‘vague deal’ on Arctic security. In the world of diplomacy, ‘vague’ is code for ‘we both want to go home and pretend this didn’t happen.’ It is a face-saving measure for a US administration that realized it couldn't actually buy an island inhabited by people who don't want to be bought, and an EU that wanted to stop the headlines before they had to actually take a stand. They have traded the sovereignty of a landmass for a handful of platitudes about security, which in the Arctic means nothing more than watching the ice melt and hoping the Russians don't get there first.

The reality is that both sides are participating in a race to the bottom of the intellectual barrel. The American Right treats international law like a nuisance, while the European Left treats it like a sacred text that somehow protects them from the harsh reality of power politics. Neither side has a clue. We are watching a dying empire and a stagnant continent bicker over a giant ice cube, while the rest of the world looks on with a mix of pity and boredom. Kallas is right about one thing: the blow has been dealt. But it’s not a blow to ‘relations.’ It’s a blow to the idea that anyone in charge has the slightest idea of what they are doing. We are being led by clowns who have forgotten how to be funny, leaving us with nothing but the depressing realization that the circus is never going to leave town.