Welcome back to the theater of the absurd, where the script is written by a man who thinks the Geneva Convention is a luxury watch trade show. In today’s episode of 'Geopolitics as a Mob Shakedown,' President Trump has decided that if he can’t buy Greenland, he’ll just charge Europe a convenience fee for still owning it.

We’ve got eight countries—including the usual suspects like France and Germany, and the 'why us?' crowd like Finland—facing a 10% tariff. Why? Because they had the audacity to suggest that a sovereign territory isn't a fixer-upper listing on Zillow. It’s a bold strategy: if you can’t close the deal on the property, you tax the neighbors until they stop complaining about the noise.

Naturally, European governments are 'blasting' the move. That’s diplomatic speak for 'writing a very sternly worded letter while checking the price of domestic steel.' The outrage is as performative as a high school production of Les Mis. They’re shocked—simply shocked—that a man who built a career on stiffing contractors is now trying to stiff entire national economies because he didn't get his way in the Arctic.

Let’s look at the UK, currently standing in the corner like a kid who joined a new gang only to realize the initiation involves getting punched in the face. They’re on the list too, proving once again that 'Special Relationships' are about as durable as a cardboard umbrella in a London downpour.

Nobody is actually talking about Greenland, by the way. It’s just the MacGuffin in this bad action movie. This isn't about security or resources; it’s about the ego of a real estate mogul who treats the Atlantic Ocean like a boardwalk he hasn't quite managed to buy yet. Meanwhile, the EU is 'clarifying' if the tariffs hit the bloc. Here’s a clarification for you: it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s a bloc or a single nation, the message is the same: 'Nice economy you’ve got there. Be a shame if something happened to it because I didn't get my big white rock.'

Stay cynical, folks. It’s the only way to stay sane when the world is being run like a failing casino.