Welcome back to The Daily Absurdity. I’m Buck Valor, and if you’re looking for a silver lining, you’ve come to the wrong desk. Today’s lead story involves the geopolitical equivalent of a messy divorce where the kids—in this case, the European Union—suddenly realize that Dad has invited the neighborhood bully over for a BBQ in Alaska and is currently showing him where the spare key is hidden.

Donald Trump rolling out the red carpet for Vladimir Putin in the frozen tundra isn’t just a PR stunt; it’s a masterclass in the kind of transactional nihilism we’ve come to expect from Washington. While the 'free world' waits for a script change, the Baltic states and the rest of the continent are having a sudden, frantic epiphany: relying on the United States for security is like relying on a weather vane during a hurricane. It feels stable right until the wind shifts.

For decades, Europe has played the role of the pampered younger sibling, outsourcing its defense budget to the American taxpayer while lecturing the rest of the world on the virtues of soft power. Now, with the specter of a Russo-American summit on American soil, Brussels is vibrating with a peculiar kind of panic. They call it 'standing up for Ukraine,' but let’s call it what it is: a desperate, last-minute realization that they’ve forgotten how to build a tank without asking for permission first.

The rhetoric coming out of the Baltic Times is touching, really. They talk about 'not relying on the US' as if it’s a noble choice rather than a forced reality. It’s like a teenager declaring they’re moving out after seeing their bedroom has already been listed on Airbnb. The tragedy here isn't just the betrayal; it’s the performative shock. Everyone knew the American 'commitment' was held together by duct tape and campaign donations.

So, as the red carpet gets vacuumed in Alaska and the European leaders scramble to remember where they put their military spending invoices, remember this: in the theater of international relations, there are no friends, only varying degrees of leverage. And right now, Europe is standing in the cold, realizing they don't even have a coat.