Well, here we go again. The sky is falling, or rather, it is freezing. A giant winter storm is moving across the country and everyone is losing their minds. Twelve states have already declared emergencies. That is a fancy way for governors to say they have no idea what they are doing and want your tax money to pay for their lack of a plan. At least 230 million people are in the path of this thing. That is a lot of people who are currently at the grocery store fighting over the last loaf of white bread. I have never understood the bread thing. If the power goes out, you cannot toast it. You are just sitting in a dark, cold house eating a soggy sandwich. It is pathetic. We are a species that claims to be the smartest on the planet, but a few frozen puddles turn us into cavemen.

The news calls it a 'monster storm.' They love that word. It sounds scary. It makes you stay tuned through the commercials for car insurance and pills for your back pain. If they just said 'it is going to be cold and snowy in January,' you might go about your day. But 'monster' makes you feel like you are in a movie. It gives your boring life a little bit of spice. You get to feel like a survivor because you went to the store and bought three gallons of milk you will probably throw away next week. The media and the weather guys are in a race to see who can make you pee your pants first. It is a game they play every year, and every year, you fall for it.

Then you have the politicians. They love a good storm. It is the only time they get to look like they are actually doing something. They put on their expensive winter coats—the ones that have never seen a day of real work—and stand in front of maps. They tell you to 'stay safe' and 'stay off the roads.' What they really mean is 'please do not notice that the roads we built are crumbling and the power grid is held together by duct tape and prayers.' On the Right, you have the guys who see a snowflake and scream that the planet is not getting warmer. They think a cold weekend in Kansas cancels out the fact that the oceans are boiling. They are morons. On the Left, you have the people who think every storm is a personal attack by an oil company. They want to tax the wind and live in houses made of recycled kale. They are also morons. Neither side wants to fix the actual problem, which is that our country is built like a house of cards.

The grid is the funniest part. We live in the 'greatest nation on earth,' yet our lights go out if a tree branch gets a little bit heavy. We have 'smart' phones and 'smart' cars, but our power wires are hung on wooden poles like it is 1920. We spend trillions of dollars on wars in places most people cannot find on a map, but we cannot keep the heaters running in Texas or Georgia when it gets a bit chilly. The 12 states declaring emergencies are basically admitting that their systems are trash. They are telling you that they cannot handle water when it turns into ice. Think about that. We have been dealing with ice since the dawn of time, and we still act surprised when it shows up in the winter.

The storm is hitting places that are not used to the cold. The South is about to turn into a giant comedy show. People there see one inch of snow and drive their trucks into ditches like they are trying to win a prize. They do not have salt. They do not have shovels. They just have fear and a lot of bad luck. But do not worry, the politicians will be there to hold a press conference and tell you how hard they are working while you sit in your living room wearing four sweaters. It is a cycle of stupidity that never ends. We build houses in places that freeze, we refuse to fix the wires that give us heat, and then we cry when it gets cold.

Nature does not care about your politics. It does not care about your 'state of emergency' or your bread and milk. It is just doing what it does. The 'monster' isn't the storm. The monster is a society that is so soft and so broken that a few days of bad weather feels like the end of the world. We are 230 million people waiting for the lights to flicker so we can start blaming each other. The Right will blame the Green New Deal. The Left will blame the oil companies. And all of us will be sitting in the dark, eating our soggy bread, too dumb to realize that we are the ones who let it get this bad. So, good luck out there. Try not to slip on the ice. Or do. It might be the most exciting thing to happen to you all year.