SANTIAGO—Responding to frantic pleas from the devastation in the Biobío region, the Chilean national government announced Monday a pragmatic new "Total Combustion" initiative designed to stop the spreading wildfires by simply allowing them to consume all available fuel sources immediately. "We understand the mayor is currently screaming into a phone for water tankers, but our data shows the most cost-effective way to extinguish a fire is to let it successfully incinerate every tree, home, and blade of grass until it gets bored," said Interior Ministry spokesperson Eduardo Soto, pointing to a projection chart where the fire risk drops to 0% once the entire southern region is a smoldering, lifeless moonscape. "Sending helicopters now would only delay the inevitable safety that comes with total ash. We are asking citizens to remain calm and participate in the solution by allowing their property to be consumed as quickly as possible to speed up the timeline." At press time, the government was reportedly drafting a bill to bill the ashes of the destroyed neighborhoods for the demolition services.