Once again, the orange sun rises over the frozen wastes of our collective cognitive decline. Donald Trump, a man whose understanding of geography is likely limited to the proximity of his own golf courses to the nearest drive-thru, has resurrected his dream of purchasing Greenland. It is the ultimate developer’s itch: a massive, sparsely populated expanse of land that isn't currently covered in gold-painted particle board. To his base, this is a masterstroke of strategic manifest destiny, a way to secure rare earth minerals and tell the Danes to go jump in a fjord. To the performative Left, it is a catastrophic violation of sovereignty, a neo-colonialist nightmare that triggers every 'resistance' reflex in their predictable arsenal. To me, Buck Valor, it is simply the latest chapter in the book of human idiocy, written in melting slush and unadulterated greed.

The real story here isn't just a former and potentially future president treating a sovereign territory like a distressed property in Queens. It’s the way the world reacts to it with such scripted, weary indignation. The Inuit Greenlanders have quite rightly pointed out that they are not 'geopolitical pawns' to be traded like baseball cards by geriatric men in suits. Yet, in the grand theater of global politics, their autonomy is treated as little more than a technicality, a minor zoning issue that the 'Art of the Deal' assumes can be smoothed over with enough bluster and a few billion dollars from a treasury that is already bleeding out. Trump sees a map and sees a vacant lot; the Danes see a map and see a historical artifact they’re too polite to admit they can’t afford to maintain; and the Americans see a map and wonder if Greenland is where the penguins from the movies live.

Let’s dissect the 'strategic' motivation, shall we? It’s always about the rocks. Greenland is sitting on a treasure trove of rare earth minerals—neodymium, praseodymium, terbium—the very things required to build the 'green energy' future that the Left claims to worship. Herein lies the delicious hypocrisy: the very people screaming about the sanctity of Greenland’s borders are the same ones demanding a million electric vehicle batteries by Tuesday. They want the minerals, but they want them to appear by magic, without the 'crassness' of an American flag being planted in the permafrost. Trump, at least, has the honesty of a common thief. He doesn't pretend it’s about 'saving the planet'; he wants the loot because it’s there, and because he thinks the US should own everything that isn't currently nailed down.

The historical parallels are as thick as the ice used to be. This is the Monroe Doctrine on a cocktail of growth hormones and ego. The US has a long history of buying its way to greatness—Louisiana, Alaska, the Virgin Islands—and the logic of the 19th century is remarkably resilient in the mind of a man who thinks the 1980s were the pinnacle of human achievement. But we are no longer in an era of expansion; we are in an era of managed decline. Buying Greenland wouldn't be an act of growth; it would be an act of hoarding. It’s the geopolitical equivalent of a man whose house is on fire buying a larger refrigerator to store the food he’ll never get to eat.

And what of the Danes? Their reaction is the height of European performative offense. They act as though the suggestion of a sale is an insult to their very souls, while simultaneously being part of a NATO alliance that treats Greenland as a glorified listening post for the American military. They don’t want to sell it, but they’ve already leased the basement out to the Pentagon. It’s a landlord-tenant dispute on a global scale, and the Inuit are the actual residents who are just trying to keep the heat on while the owner and the potential buyer argue over the curb appeal.

The ultimate irony, of course, is the climate. The very ice that makes Greenland a strategic prize is disappearing. We are witnessing a bidding war for a sinking ship. Trump wants to buy the ice just as it’s turning into water, a fitting metaphor for his entire business career. The Right cheers for the acquisition of a resource they claim isn't actually disappearing, while the Left weeps for the environment they are destroying with their own consumption habits. It is a circle of stupidity that has no end. Greenland will eventually be nothing but a rocky archipelago stripped of its resources by whichever corporate entity wins the bidding war, whether it wears a MAGA hat or a 'Sustainability First' lapel pin. In the end, humanity will have its minerals, the Inuit will have their displaced culture, and the world will have one more giant, empty parking lot in the North Atlantic. Everyone loses, and everyone deserves it.