BEIJING— declaring that it was finally time to stop crying over its unpredictable ex-boyfriend to the south, Prime Minister Mark Carney—who apparently runs Canada now, a development most citizens are too polite to question—announced a groundbreaking new trade deal with China on Friday.

'For too long, the Canadian economy has been tethered to the volatile whims of the United States, and it is time we diversified our portfolio by becoming completely dependent on a different, authoritarian superpower located 6,000 miles away,' said Carney, looking remarkably relaxed for a man who wasn’t the Prime Minister 24 hours ago.

'This deal ensures that while Washington ignores our texts, Beijing will be right there to love bomb us in exchange for discounted canola oil.'

Carney explained that under the new agreement, Canada will ship approximately 800 million tons of yellow seed sludge to the Port of Shanghai, and in return, China has promised to only arbitrarily detain three to four Canadian Michaels per fiscal quarter.

at press time, the White House had reportedly seen photos of Canada and China together on Instagram and was typing a furious 'U up?' text to Ottawa.