WASHINGTON—Admitting that the department’s institutional knowledge on the subject had grown rusty after a century of focusing on soft power and proxy wars, Pentagon officials confirmed Tuesday they were frantically searching the archives for a copy of the 1898 field manual *So You Want To Annex A Peninsula*.

“We have terabytes of data on nation-building, drone strikes, and staging coups to install friendly regimes, but we honestly have no idea what the protocol is for just sailing a boat up to a country, planting a flag, and saying ‘Mine,’” said Defense Department spokesman John Kirby, noting that top generals were currently blowing the dust off old maps of the Louisiana Purchase to see if they offered any tactical clues. “The troops are confused. They keep asking which insurgent group they are supposed to arm, and we have to tell them, ‘No, we’re just keeping the land this time. Like the old days.’ It’s a logistical nightmare; we don’t even have the budget for pith helmets or those little flags you stick in the ground.”

At press time, the State Department had reportedly engaged in tense negotiations to trade Puerto Rico and a player to be named later for Greenland’s eastern seaboard.