LONDON—In a historic act of decolonization and benevolence, the British government announced Thursday that it would formally hand over sovereignty of the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, provided the nation agrees to treat the massive Diego Garcia military base like a roommate’s locked bedroom that nobody is ever allowed to enter.

'We are thrilled to finally correct this historical wrong by giving Mauritius full ownership of the archipelago, with the minor stipulation that the United States military retains the right to use the largest island as an unsinkable concrete parking lot for B-52 bombers until the heat death of the universe,' said Foreign Secretary David Lammy, noting that while Mauritius will technically own the land, the U.S. and UK will retain 'squatter’s rights' over the parts that are actually useful.

'Think of it as a landlord situation. Mauritius is the owner, and we are the tenants who changed the locks, installed a nuclear-capable airfield in the living room, and will legally shoot anyone who steps on the lawn. It is a win-win for sovereignty.'

At press time, U.S. officials clarified that while the Chagos Islands are now Mauritian soil, the air above them, the water around them, and the specific atoms constituting the Diego Garcia landing strip remain the property of the Pentagon.