Welcome, 'investors,' to the latest quarterly update from the White House Opportunities Fund. Put down your artisanal coffees and stop checking your Robinhood accounts for five minutes. We need to discuss the pivot. You see, the United States government has finally realized that the whole 'free market' experiment was far too stressful for the geriatric inhabitants of the District of Columbia. It involved things like competition, competence, and allowing failing companies to actually, well, fail. That is so last century. In a bold move that can only be described as 'copying China’s homework but doing it in crayon,' the U.S. has officially transitioned into its State Capitalism era. We are no longer a republic; we are a massive, poorly managed private equity firm with a nuclear arsenal and a pathological addiction to deficit spending.

The White House Opportunities Fund is our latest branding exercise for what used to be called 'industrial policy,' a term that smells of mothballs and Soviet tractor quotas. Now, it is rebranded as 'investing in America.' The strategy is simple: we take money from your future—money that doesn’t actually exist yet—and we hand it over to multibillion-dollar corporations in exchange for the vague promise that they will build a factory somewhere with a high concentration of swing-state voters. The left loves this because it feels like 'planning,' ignoring the reality that the planners in question couldn't successfully organize a two-car funeral. The right, meanwhile, has abandoned its supposed love for the 'invisible hand' in favor of a heavy-handed nationalist fetish, provided the subsidies go to companies that slap a flag on their letterhead. It’s a beautiful, bipartisan synthesis of greed and stupidity.

Let’s look at the portfolio. We are dumping billions into semiconductors because someone finally realized that relying on a tiny island next to a grumpy superpower for our entire technological existence might be a 'strategic vulnerability.' Better late than never, I suppose, though the 'resilience' we are purchasing comes at the price of subsidizing companies that have spent the last decade using their profits for stock buybacks instead of R&D. We are essentially rewarding the student who spent his tuition money on beer by buying him a brand-new library and hoping he learns how to read. The 'National Security' label has become the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card. If you want a billion dollars and a tax break, just tell the Department of Commerce that your product is essential for fighting a war that hasn’t happened yet. It’s the ultimate grift, and everyone is in on it.

Then there is the green energy transition, which the White House treats as a spiritual quest rather than an economic one. We are subsidizing the production of electric vehicles that the average American can’t afford, to be powered by a grid that can barely handle a humid afternoon in July. It’s performative environmentalism at its finest—a way for the elite to feel virtuous while the working class pays for the privilege of watching their local economy get hollowed out by mandates and 'equity' requirements. The Fund doesn't care about efficiency; it cares about optics. We want the aesthetics of progress without the messy reality of market discipline. We are building a 'New Economy' out of subsidies and press releases, and we expect you to be grateful for the privilege of being the involuntary angel investors.

The irony is almost too thick to breathe. We spent decades lecturing the rest of the world on the virtues of the Washington Consensus—deregulation, privatization, and fiscal discipline—only to throw it all in the incinerator the moment we got scared. Now, we are doing 'China-lite,' but with more paperwork and significantly less long-term vision. We are attempting to out-central-plan the central planners, forgetting that our bureaucratic apparatus is more interested in diversity statements and mid-level management bloat than in actually producing anything tangible. It’s a slow-motion car crash where the passengers are arguing about the color of the upholstery while the driver aims for a brick wall.

So, what is the return on your investment? There isn't one. You don't get dividends; you get debt. You don't get growth; you get inflation. You are the 'stakeholders' in a firm that treats your tax dollars as a slush fund for corporate welfare and political theater. America LLC is currently trading at a P/E ratio of 'infinity' because earnings are irrelevant when you can just print the difference. Sit back and enjoy the show. The White House Opportunities Fund is open for business, and the only thing we’re guaranteed to manufacture is more disappointment. At least the brochures look nice.