It is a peculiar brand of optimism to believe that having a sovereign border actually means something when you’re sitting on a pile of strategic minerals and a melting ice cap. Múte B. Egede, the Prime Minister of Greenland, has finally looked up from the thawing permafrost long enough to realize that his country is less a nation and more a tempting piece of real estate currently being eyed by the world’s most aggressive HOA—the United States of America. Egede recently suggested that Greenland should be prepared for 'everything,' including the possibility that the 'other side' might not rule out military force. This is the diplomatic equivalent of a mouse announcing it has prepared a sternly worded letter in the event that the house cat decides it’s lunchtime.

The 'other side' here, of course, is a thin euphemism for our friends in Washington, who treat the concept of international sovereignty like a suggestion in a pirate’s code. For those with memories longer than a TikTok cycle, the idea of the U.S. 'buying' Greenland was laughed off as a fever dream of a previous administration. But in the cold, hard vacuum of geopolitical reality, the desire to own the Arctic’s front porch isn’t a partisan quirk; it’s a standard operating procedure for an empire that has never seen a resource it didn't want to 'liberate.' Whether it’s a loud-mouthed real estate mogul or a quiet, stuttering institutionalist in the Oval Office, the underlying hunger for Greenland’s rare earth metals and its strategic positioning against Russia remains the same. The only difference is the level of politeness used while sharpening the carving knife.

Egede’s admission that Greenland must be prepared for 'everything' is a masterclass in the banality of modern hopelessness. What, precisely, does a nation of 56,000 people do to 'prepare' for the arrival of a military-industrial complex that spends more on coffee than Greenland’s entire annual GDP? Perhaps they can stockpile extra parkas for the incoming paratroopers or ensure the local pubs have enough Bud Light to satisfy the 'stabilizing force.' The Prime Minister’s rhetoric is a desperate attempt to maintain the illusion of agency in a world where small nations are merely speed bumps on the road to resource extraction. It is the intellectual equivalent of a participation trophy given to a country that is about to be swallowed by the yawning maw of 'security interests.'

And let us not forget the role of the Kingdom of Denmark in this tragicomedy. Copenhagen continues to play the part of the absentee landlord, clinging to the last vestiges of its colonial pride while knowing full well that if the U.S. decides it wants Greenland, the Danish response will be a series of polite, increasingly frantic emails that go straight to Washington’s spam folder. Denmark provides the 'defense,' which is a bit like hiring a mall security guard to protect a nuclear silo. The hypocrisy of the European 'rules-based order' is never more visible than when one of its own territories is being sized up for a hostile takeover by its primary benefactor. The Left will cry about self-determination while doing nothing, and the Right will talk about 'national security' while checking the stock prices of mining conglomerates.

The tragedy of Greenland is that it is becoming valuable at exactly the same time the world is becoming more desperate. As the ice melts—thanks to a global carbon footprint the U.S. helped lead the way in creating—the treasures beneath the surface become accessible. It’s a poetic circle of destruction: ruin the planet to uncover the minerals needed to 'save' the planet, all while stationing troops to make sure no one else steals the loot. Egede is right to be worried, but he is wrong to think 'preparedness' is an option. When the 'other side' decides that your backyard is essential to their survival, your options are limited to 'collaboration' or 'becoming a footnote in a history book written by the winner.'

Ultimately, this is the way the world ends: not with a bang, but with a real estate appraisal. Greenland is the latest victim of the collective human inability to see land as anything other than a strategic asset or a profit margin. The people living there are merely incidental to the 'everything' Egede fears. Whether it’s through a 'special relationship,' a forced sale, or the quiet creep of military 'cooperation,' the result will be the same. The Arctic is being carved up by the same geriatric powers that have spent the last century breaking everything else they touched. Buckle up, Greenland; the 'freedom' is coming, and it usually arrives with a helmet and a non-disclosure agreement.