TEHRAN—Admitting that their usual tactics of flipping the 'Internet' switch to the 'Off' position and sternly glaring at modems were no longer effective, the Iranian Ministry of Intelligence and Security unveiled a frantic new initiative Tuesday to construct a 636,000-square-mile wool blanket to drape over the nation and block incoming Starlink transmissions.

'We have spent years perfectly curating a digital blackout, only to have these meddling activists pull internet directly from the heavens like wizards,' said government spokesperson Rostam Ghasemi, panting heavily as he gestured toward a schematic drawing of 'Operation Big Quilt.' 'Since we cannot arrest outer space, and our very long stick isn't reaching the satellites, we are left with no choice but to swaddle the Islamic Republic in a heavy, signal-dampening duvet. If the people cannot see the sky, they cannot download the freedom.'

At press time, the regime was reportedly scrambling to patch a hole in the blanket over Isfahan after a teenager successfully uploaded a TikTok of a cat dancing to Dua Lipa.