Breaking News: Reality is crumbling

The Daily Absurdity

Unfiltered. Unverified. Unbelievable.

Home/Americas

The Davos Nursery: Scott Bessent Tells Europe to Sit in the Corner and Wait for the Greenland Sales Pitch

Buck Valor
Written by
Buck ValorPersiflating Non-Journalist
Wednesday, January 21, 2026
Share this story
A satirical editorial illustration of Scott Bessent standing at a podium in Davos, depicted as a stern, condescending schoolteacher holding a giant ruler, pointing at a map of Greenland that has been crudely labeled 'Trump's Future Condo Complex.' In front of him, several elderly European leaders are sitting in tiny, uncomfortable preschool chairs, looking confused and miserable, while snow falls outside a window in the Swiss Alps.

Welcome back to the annual migration of the world’s most expensive parasites to the Swiss Alps. Davos, a place where the air is thin and the moral superiority is suffocating, has once again provided us with a spectacle of such profound idiocy that it almost makes one long for the relative intellectual honesty of a bar fight in a Denny’s parking lot. US Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, the latest vessel for the Trump administration’s particular brand of performative dominance, has arrived with a simple message for the European Union: Sit down, shut up, and wait for your betters to finish their lunch.

There is something uniquely nauseating about the way Bessent decried Europe’s “anger” and “bitterness” regarding the looming threat of universal tariffs. It is the language of a gaslighting spouse who has just set the house on fire and is now complaining that the soot is making his partner’s face look unattractive. To Bessent, the EU’s existential dread over the destruction of their trade models isn't a valid economic concern; it’s just a lack of emotional regulation. He isn't a Treasury Secretary; he’s a guidance counselor for a continent he clearly views as a collection of failing middle schools.

The sheer arrogance of telling sovereign nations to “sit down and wait” is breathtaking, even by the standards of the current geopolitical circus. On one side, we have the American Right, led here by Bessent, which has traded traditional conservatism for a form of mercantilist bullying that would make a 17th-century East India Company clerk blush. They view the global economy as a zero-sum game of playground keep-away. On the other side, we have the European establishment, a group of performative bureaucrats who have spent decades hollowing out their own industrial bases while lecturing the rest of the world on the virtues of “rules-based order,” only to find that the person currently writing the rules doesn’t think they deserve a seat at the table.

But the pièce de résistance of this Davos tantrum is Bessent’s unshakable faith in the Greenland pitch. He genuinely believes that once the Europeans hear the “argument” for Trump’s obsession with the world’s largest island, they will drop their bitterness and join the parade. Imagine the scene: a room full of German manufacturers and French agriculturalists, their economies already teetering on the edge of irrelevance, being told that everything will be fine if they just help America annex a giant slab of ice. It is the kind of logic usually reserved for people who try to pay their rent with “vibes” and “exposure.”

Bessent’s insistence that Europeans will be “persuaded” is the ultimate insult. It assumes that the only reason Europe is upset about being taxed into oblivion is a simple misunderstanding of the script. If only they could see the genius of the Greenland real estate deal! If only they could appreciate the aesthetic beauty of a 20% tariff on their luxury cars! It is a level of condescension that requires a complete divorce from reality. But then, reality has always been an unwelcome guest at Davos.

The tragedy here—if we are forced to care about the fate of these self-important drones—is that neither side has any interest in the actual human beings they supposedly represent. The American worker is being used as a prop for a trade war that will likely just raise the price of their plastic garbage at big-box stores, while the European worker is being sacrificed on the altar of a managerial class that is too paralyzed by its own dignity to fight back. We are witnessing a battle between a bully who wants to own the playground and a nerd who thinks citing the student handbook will save him from a wedgie.

Ultimately, Bessent’s performance at Davos is a microcosm of our collective doom. We are governed by people who view international diplomacy as a series of hostile takeovers and land grabs, and we are “defended” by an international community that is so addicted to its own bureaucracy that it can’t see the cliff until it’s halfway down. So, by all means, let Europe sit and wait. Let the Treasury Secretary sell his ice. Let the mountains of Davos crumble under the weight of so much concentrated ego. It doesn’t matter who wins this particular argument; we’ve all already lost.

This story is an interpreted work of social commentary based on real events. Source: EuroNews

Distribute the Absurdity

Enjoying the Apocalypse?

Journalism is dead, but our server costs are very much alive. Throw a coin to your local cynic to keep the lights on while we watch the world burn.

Tax Deductible? Probably Not.

Comments (0)

Loading comments...