Switzerland, that antiseptic playground for the world’s most polished parasites, is currently playing host to yet another ‘crunch talk’—a term journalists use when they want to pretend that a bunch of people in four-figure suits staring at each other in a room actually matters. The Davos set, those high-functioning sociopaths who believe global stability is achieved through mineral water and vague platitudes, are currently vibrating with a terror that only a man who views the Arctic as a fixer-upper can inspire. Donald Trump, the orange-hued embodiment of American id, has arrived with an ominous message regarding Greenland, reminding the world that his particular brand of diplomacy is less ‘Metternich’ and more ‘low-rent real estate mogul threatening to bulldoze a community center for a parking lot.’

At the heart of this absurdity is Trump’s refusal to rule out military force to acquire Greenland. It is a proposition so breathtakingly stupid that it circles back around to being a profound commentary on the death of the international order. To the American Right, this is a masterstroke of ‘America First’ strength—a bold claim to strategic depth and mineral wealth, as if the 19th century never ended and we’re all just waiting for the next gold rush. They view the world as a Monopoly board where the rules only apply if you can’t afford to flip the table. To them, Greenland isn’t a sovereign territory of Denmark; it’s a massive, frozen asset just waiting for a gold-plated ‘TRUMP’ sign to be bolted onto a glacier.

On the other side of the aisle, the American Left is performing its usual routine of fainting-couch outrage. They are ‘shattered’ by the breach of norms. They are ‘horrified’ by the abandonment of our allies. They tweet their condemnations with the frantic energy of a middle manager watching a wildfire through a telescope. Of course, they conveniently forget that their own preferred avatars of democracy have spent the last thirty years turning various parts of the Middle East into gravel pits without bothering to ask for a receipt. Their concern isn’t for the sovereignty of the Greenlandic people; it’s for the aesthetics of the empire. They don’t mind the boots on the ground as long as the boots are ‘inclusive’ and the mission statement is written in a font that suggests empathy.

The Europeans, meanwhile, are clutching their pearls so hard they’re likely to turn them back into coal. They talk of ‘international law’ and ‘sovereignty’ as if these are physical barriers rather than convenient fictions that vanish the moment someone with a larger navy gets bored. Denmark, a country that hasn't had to defend anything more significant than a bicycle lane in decades, finds itself the target of a hostile takeover bid from its own ‘protector.’ The irony is as thick as the ice sheets Trump wants to drill into. Europe has spent decades outsourcing its security to the very man who is now eyeing their backyard like a hungry wolf eyeing a slow-moving poodle. They want the protection of the American war machine but are shocked—simply shocked—when the machine demands a gratuity in the form of a massive island.

Let’s be clear about what Greenland actually is in this scenario: it’s a prop. It’s a 800,000-square-mile piece of ice that has become the latest object of desire for a man who treats the planet like a bargain bin at a failing department store. There is no strategic brilliance here, only the raw, animal instinct of a grifter who knows that the best way to keep people off balance is to threaten something so ridiculous that they can’t possibly prepare for it. The ‘crunch talks’ in Switzerland will yield nothing but more expensive carbon emissions and a few more paragraphs of meaningless communiqués.

We are witnessing the inevitable conclusion of a world where everything has a price tag but nothing has value. Trump’s threat of military force is the ultimate truth-telling in a world of lies: alliances are just temporary arrangements of convenience, and sovereignty is a luxury for those who can afford the ammunition. While the politicians bicker and the pundits analyze the ‘optics,’ the glaciers continue to melt, blissfully unaware that they’ve been drafted into the service of a real estate scam. In the end, it doesn’t matter if Trump gets his ice or if the Europeans keep their dignity; the result is the same. We are all trapped on a planet governed by the greedy and managed by the moronic, waiting for the final ‘crunch’ to happen.