DAMASCUS—Hailing the diplomatic breakthrough as a “definitive turning point” in his administration’s storied three-week history, President Ahmed al-Sharaa announced Monday that the government had successfully negotiated a “permanent and unbreakable” deal to govern Kurdish-held territories, providing the state with absolute authority over the region until at least early Tuesday afternoon. “This historic agreement cements the government’s iron-clad grip on several key tactical locations that have successfully changed hands 400 times in the last decade,” said al-Sharaa, beaming as he signed a peace treaty currently being drafted on the back of a cocktail napkin that was already smoldering at the edges. “Asserting control over this volatile zone is a massive win. It signifies that from this moment forward, I am the sole person responsible for the potholes, the electricity grid, and the three dozen militias currently reloading their mortars in the suburbs. It is a glorious burden that I am 60% sure I will survive.” At press time, the “major test” for the President had officially begun as he attempted to visit his new constituents and was immediately placed on hold by a sniper.