TEHRAN—Declaring the weeks-long logistical nightmare finally over, Iranian officials released a statement Friday confirming that the nationwide unrest has been successfully quelled now that security forces have simply run out of living people to fire upon.

“We are pleased to report that the streets of Tehran are once again quiet, mostly because the demographic capable of making noise has been violently subtracted from the equation,” said Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, noting that the Morality Police had successfully transitioned from “active crowd control” to “standing around looking at empty pavement.” “Restoring order was a challenge, especially given the sheer volume of citizens who selfishly insisted on having torsos, but our dedicated officers worked overtime until every single grievance was addressed with high-velocity ballistic mediation.”

At press time, the Iranian government was reportedly holding an emergency meeting to discuss how to restart the economy now that the entire tax base is currently in the morgue.