So, the **Colorado River** is a person now. That is what we are doing. We have officially run out of real ideas to solve the **Southwest megadrought**.

Here is the situation. The Colorado River is dying. It is facing the worst **water scarcity** crisis in 1,200 years. That is a long time. That is longer than this country has existed. That is longer than English has been a real language. The water is gone. The mud is cracking. The fish are probably packing their bags.

So, what do we do? Do we stop watering golf courses in the middle of the desert? Do we stop growing almonds in places that have no rain? Do we tell the people in Los Angeles and Phoenix that they cannot have green lawns in August? No. Of course not. That would make sense. That would be hard.

Instead, utilizing the **Rights of Nature** legal doctrine, some tribes have decided to give the river "**legal personhood**." That sounds fancy. It sounds smart. It is actually just sad. It means the river can now sue people. It has rights. It is like a corporation, but wet. Well, it used to be wet. Now it is mostly just a dusty ditch with a lawyer.

This is where we are as a species. We broke nature so bad that we have to pretend it is a human just to save it. We have to give a river a social security number—metaphorically speaking—so that the government might listen to it. Because in America, we do not care about life. We do not care about water. We care about lawsuits. We care about paperwork. If the river cannot file a motion in court, does it even exist?

The river runs through seven states bound by the failing **Colorado River Compact**. Seven. That is seven groups of greedy politicians fighting over the last drops of a milkshake. You have California, Arizona, Nevada, and the rest. They all want the water. They all signed pieces of paper a hundred years ago saying they owned water that does not exist anymore. They are like kids fighting over an empty bag of candy.

The Right looks at this and laughs. They think it is stupid to give rights to nature. They want to drain every drop until the river is just a highway for ATVs. They look at a dying river and see a profit margin. They think if they ignore the problem, it will go away. They are wrong. You cannot negotiate with a drought. The sun does not care about your stock portfolio.

The Left loves this. They think it is beautiful. They clap their hands. They think calling the river a "person" solves the problem. It makes them feel good. It is a nice performance. But it is just words. Changing the label on the bottle does not fill it up with water. You can call the river "Your Majesty" if you want. It is still evaporating.

Think about how dumb this really is. We built massive cities in the desert. We pumped water uphill. We grew crops in the sand. We acted like gods. And now that the bill is due, we are panicking. We are looking for a loophole. We think if we send a lawyer into the courtroom, the rain will come back.

It won't. The river does not care about our laws. It does not care about our politics. It is leaving. It is shrinking. And giving it "personhood" is just a way for us to feel like we are doing something without actually doing anything.

It is the ultimate act of human arrogance. We think our laws are more powerful than nature. We think a judge can order the sky to rain. We are ridiculous.

The tribes are trying their best. They have been treated terribly for centuries. They see the water dying and they are desperate. I get it. But they are using the white man's game to try and save the earth. And the game is rigged. The game is designed to drain everything dry and leave a receipt.

So now the Colorado River is a person. Great. Does it have to pay taxes? Can it vote? If it could vote, it would probably vote against all of us. It would look at the politicians in Washington and the developers in Las Vegas and it would scream. But it has no mouth. It just has a legal team.

We are watching a tragedy in slow motion. We are fighting over dust. And instead of changing our lives, we are just writing new laws. We are doomed. Drink up, folks. It’s almost last call.

***

### References & Fact-Check * **Primary Source:** [BBC News: Tribes grant the Colorado River legal personhood - can this help save it?](https://www.bbc.com/news/videos/crmlgpnnzyxo?at_medium=RSS&at_campaign=rss) * **Fact Check:** Indigenous groups, including the Mohave Council of Elders, have moved to grant the Colorado River rights typically reserved for humans to combat the ongoing water crisis.