Welcome back to the theater of the absurd, where the script is written in crayon but the consequences are billed to your tax returns. Today’s performance features the European Union doing what it does best: congregating in a windowless room in Brussels to figure out how to handle a man who treats global diplomacy like a late-night infomercial.

Our correspondent Pierre Benazet is currently hovering outside a closed-door ‘crisis meeting.’ Why the secrecy? Because it’s hard to look like a champion of sovereign values when you’re actually just calculating exactly how much of your soul you can trade to keep the price of a mid-sized sedan from skyrocketing. The catalyst for this panic? The American President has decided that if he can’t buy Greenland like a mid-century fixer-upper, he’ll just start taxing the neighbors until they convince Denmark to sign the deed.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about geopolitics, rare earth minerals, or strategic arctic positioning. That’s the PR spin. This is about a real estate mogul who’s frustrated that he can’t put a gold-plated hotel on a glacier, and eight European nations are now on the ‘naughty list’ for pointing out that nations aren’t for sale on Zillow.

So, the 27 EU ambassadors are huddled together, likely debating whether to release a statement of ‘deep concern’ or ‘profound disappointment.’ It’s the diplomatic equivalent of bringing a wet noodle to a chainsaw fight. They’re terrified. Not of the loss of Greenland—none of them actually care about the ice—but of the tariffs. In the modern world, ‘freedom’ and ‘sovereignty’ are just luxury items we talk about until the cost of importing steel goes up by twenty percent.

It’s a masterclass in the new reality: international law is a suggestion, and the global economy is just a hostage we keep in the basement. Europe wants to pretend they are the moral compass of the West, but watch how fast that needle spins when the American market threatens to close its doors. They aren't looking for a solution; they’re looking for a graceful way to buckle. Grab your popcorn, folks. The principles are expensive, but the cowardice is free.