WASHINGTON—Dismissing accusations that his administration’s foreign policy was hiding behind a veil of humanitarian rhetoric, President Donald Trump held a press conference Tuesday to assure the American public that the 5,000 troops sent to Caracas were deployed solely to rescue Venezuela’s innocent oil reserves from the authoritarian grip of the earth’s crust. 'Let me be clear: We are not there to spread democracy, we are there to answer the prayers of billions of barrels of high-viscosity crude that have been held hostage by rocks for millions of years,' said Trump, gesturing to a diagram showing a crying oil deposit being oppressed by a layer of socialist topsoil. 'These beautiful hydrocarbons have been denied their God-given right to be refined in Texas and combusted in a Ford F-150. It is a humanitarian crisis of geology, and we will not rest until every drop of that sweet, sticky sludge is free to enter the global market.' At press time, the President was seen awarding a Presidential Medal of Freedom to a gas pump.