WASHINGTON – As if the world wasn't already teetering on the brink of apocalyptic idiocy, President Trump has now declared an economic war against Europe, all because a handful of their soldiers were spotted enjoying a little arctic tourism in Greenland. Yes, that's right. The man who couldn't find Greenland on a map if his life depended on it is now foaming at the mouth over a perceived 'existential threat from the North'.

The alleged provocation? A modest contingent of Danish military personnel – we're talking a few dozen souls, not exactly a Panzer division – conducting routine exercises on the Greenland ice sheet. The White House, in a statement reeking of desperation and delusion, characterized this as an 'occupation' and demanded their immediate removal, lest the U.S. unleash the full might of its tariff arsenal.

It's a spectacle worthy of a particularly bleak comedy. Trump, ever the master negotiator, seems to believe that threatening to slap a 600% tariff on LEGO bricks, pickled herring, and those infernal butter cookies (you know, the ones your grandmother hoards sewing supplies in) will somehow compel Denmark to… well, what exactly? Withdraw its troops from its own territory? Pledge allegiance to Trump International Golf Links Nuuk, the phantom resort that haunts the President's dreams?

The truly galling part is the utter predictability of it all. Trump's foreign policy is less a carefully calibrated strategy and more a series of impulsive, ego-driven tantrums. He sees every international interaction as a personal transaction, every ally as a potential adversary, and every perceived slight as a declaration of war. The man's psychological fragility is so profound, it's a wonder he can even manage to tie his own tie (though, let's be honest, it usually looks like a strangled ferret).

What's driving this arctic angst? Perhaps it's the lingering humiliation of his failed attempt to purchase Greenland outright. Maybe it's the realization that climate change is rapidly turning his beloved golf courses into seaside swamps. Or, most likely, it's simply another desperate attempt to distract from the ever-mounting legal and political quagmire that threatens to engulf his presidency.

Whatever the reason, the consequences are far from trivial. Trump's reckless behavior is not only damaging our alliances but also undermining the very foundations of international cooperation. He's turning America into a pariah state, a laughingstock, a global menace. And all because a few Danish soldiers dared to enjoy a cup of coffee in the Arctic.

One can only imagine what other absurdities await us in the coming days. Will Canada be next, targeted for its maple syrup exports? Will Mexico be forced to build a wall… around Greenland? At this point, nothing seems too ridiculous to be beyond the realm of possibility. Brace yourselves, folks. The Trumpocalypse is far from over. It's merely entered its glacial phase.