There is a specific brand of exhaustion that comes from watching a real estate developer attempt to play God with a map of the world. It’s the same feeling one gets watching a toddler try to fit a square peg into a round hole, only the toddler has a nuclear arsenal and the square peg is a semi-autonomous territory of the Kingdom of Denmark. Our current resident of the Oval Office has once again turned his gaze toward Greenland, declaring ‘That’s our territory’ with the casual confidence of a man who believes the entire planet is a collection of distressed properties waiting for a gold-plated rebrand.

The sheer intellectual vacancy required to utter these words is almost impressive. We are witnessing the final, gasping breath of the Monroe Doctrine, reanimated as a reality TV plot point. Greenland, for those who haven’t checked a map since the fourth grade, is not ‘ours.’ It belongs to the people who live there and, technically, the Danes, who seem to be the only adults left in the room—a low bar to clear, considering the competition. But facts have always been a nuisance to the expansionist ego. To the Landlord-in-Chief, sovereignty is just a legal hurdle that can be cleared with enough bluster and a sufficiently large check drawn on a bank account that is trillions of dollars in the red.

The response from the American Left has been as predictable as a Swiss watch and twice as annoying. They’ve spent the last forty-eight hours engaged in their favorite pastime: performative outrage. They scream about ‘imperialism’ and ‘fascism’ on social media, their thumbs dancing with the righteous fury of people who will do absolutely nothing of substance to change the status-core. They weep for international norms as if those norms weren't originally designed to facilitate the very hegemony they now claim to despise. It’s a marvelous bit of theater, really—a chorus of shrieking harpies who wouldn't know a strategic mineral deposit if it hit them in their artisanal, fair-trade faces.

Then we have the Right, a collection of sycophants and window-lickers who have decided that buying a giant ice cube is the pinnacle of geopolitical genius. They’ll tell you it’s about ‘Arctic security’ or ‘countering China,’ as if they could find the Arctic on a map without a GPS and a personal guide. They’ve pivoted from ‘America First’ to ‘America Everywhere’ without a hint of irony, proving once again that their only consistent ideology is whatever helps them sleep through the cognitive dissonance of supporting a man who treats the U.S. Treasury like a personal slush fund for his vanity projects. If the President told them we needed to annex the Moon to build a golf course, they’d be at the launchpad tomorrow, wearing MAGA-branded spacesuits and wondering why there’s no oxygen.

And let us not forget the ‘allies.’ The world leaders who repudiated these threats are currently engaged in a desperate game of diplomatic charades. They express ‘shock’ and ‘concern’ while secretly praying the American empire finally collapses under the weight of its own stupidity so they can stop pretending to respect us. They talk about ‘partnership’ and ‘mutual respect’ while holding their breath, waiting for the orange cloud of chaos to pass. They are grifters in their own right, clinging to the wreckage of the post-WWII order while the captain of the ship tries to sell the lifeboats for scrap metal.

The reality of the situation is far more depressing than the headlines suggest. We are debating the acquisition of a territory that is literally melting. As the climate collapses, the world’s superpowers are fighting over the scraps of what’s left, like vultures picking at a carcass before the heart has even stopped beating. It is the ultimate end-stage of the human experiment: we have reached the point where we would rather own the ruins than save the city. The President doesn’t want Greenland for its beauty or its culture; he wants it because he has the soul of a strip-mall developer who can’t stand to see a blank space on a map without putting a ‘Leased’ sign on it.

In the end, this isn’t about Greenland at all. It’s about the terminal vanity of a species that believes it can own the earth. Whether it’s the Left’s hysterical pearl-clutching or the Right’s braindead jingoism, the result is the same: a total abandonment of reason in favor of a spectacle. We are living in a satirical nightmare where the most powerful man in the world thinks he can buy a country, and half the population is either cheering him on or crying in the corner. Neither side has a solution because both sides are part of the problem. We deserve this. We deserve to sit here, arguing over the price of a frozen wasteland, while the world burns around us. It’s not just Greenland that’s on the market; it’s our collective dignity, and it’s currently being sold for pennies on the dollar to the loudest moron in the room.