Here we are again, circling the drain of history with the grace of a drunk elephant on roller skates. The news cycle, in its infinite wisdom and insatiable hunger for stupidity, has once again served up a dish so profoundly moronic that it almost—almost—makes you appreciate the chaotic nihilism of the universe. The President of the United States, Donald Trump, a man whose understanding of geography is likely limited to the locations of his own golf courses and countries with extradition treaties, has renewed his demands to purchase Greenland. Yes, purchase. Like a used Honda Civic or a distressed casino in Atlantic City.

The sheer hubris of the request is not surprising; in fact, it is the only consistent thing about the American experiment. What is truly exhausting, however, is the reaction from the gallery. We have the Danes clutching their pearls in Copenhagen, feigning shock that an imperial power would act like an empire, and we have the residents of Greenland issuing statements that are as poignant as they are irrelevant. "Greenland is not just a block of ice," the locals say. Oh, you sweet, naive souls. To the grinding machinery of global capital and the narcissistic gaze of the American executive branch, that is exactly what you are. Actually, you’re less than that. You are a block of ice with a zoning issue.

Let’s dissect the intellectual rot at the core of this transaction. The residents insist they have a society, a culture, a vibrant existence distinct from the glaciers that cover their landmass. They speak of dignity. It is adorable, really, that in the year of our Lord 2024, anyone still believes that human dignity is a currency recognized by the superpowers. To Washington, and specifically to the man currently treating the Oval Office like a reality TV set, Greenland is not a home to 56,000 people. It is a strategic asset on a Risk board. It is a potential location for a gold-plated hotel lobby where the thermostat is permanently set to "Arctic denial." The fact that human beings live there is merely a logistical hurdle, a bit of overhead that needs to be managed before the mineral extraction rights can be properly divvied up among the donors.

The outrage from the Left is, as always, performative and hollow. They cry about colonialism as if the United States hasn’t been buying territory since Thomas Jefferson realized he could get a good deal on Louisiana because Napoleon was short on cash. The purchase of Alaska, the acquisition of the Danish West Indies (now the Virgin Islands)—this is what America does. It consumes. It sees a void and tries to fill it with branding and military bases. Trump is not an aberration; he is the id of the American empire stripped of the polite diplomatic euphemisms that the Obama or Bush administrations would have used. He doesn't want to "strengthen Arctic cooperation"; he wants the deed to the property. It is crass, it is vulgar, and it is the most honest thing happening in geopolitics today.

On the flip side, the Right’s defense of this lunacy is a masterclass in cognitive dissonance. They cheer for the acquisition of a massive, frozen social welfare state—because remember, Greenland runs on a Nordic model that American conservatives usually decry as communism—simply because their Dear Leader pointed at a map and grunted. They see "strategic dominance" against China and Russia, ignoring the fact that you don't need to own the deed to a country to have a military presence there. We already have Thule Air Base. We are already there. Buying the island is purely an ego play, a desire to etch one's name into the permafrost before the climate change they deny melts it all away.

And that brings us to the delicious irony of the environmental context. Here is a real estate developer obsessed with buying the world's largest island, which is currently melting at a record pace due to the very industrial policies he champions. It is the ultimate short squeeze. Buy the ice, heat the planet, watch the real estate liquefy, and probably sue nature for breach of contract. It is a level of stupidity so advanced it circles back around to being avant-garde performance art.

The residents of Nuuk can issue all the press releases they want. They can assert their humanity, their autonomy, and their refusal to be traded like baseball cards. But they are screaming into a void. The world is not run by people who care if you are "not just a block of ice." The world is run by grifters, sociopaths, and spreadsheet-gazers who only see assets and liabilities. Greenland is an asset. Its people are a liability. That is the cold, hard calculus of the world we have built. So, prepare yourselves. The deal may not go through today, and Denmark may hold onto its colonial remnants a little longer, but the intent is clear. Everything is for sale. Your culture, your land, your ice, your dignity. It’s just a matter of negotiating the price and finding a pen big enough for the signature.