The farce of modern geopolitics has reached its sub-zero nadir. We find ourselves witnessing the American executive branch, currently helmed by a man who views the entire planet as a series of distressed assets, attempting to "acquire" Greenland. It is a proposition so profoundly stupid that it could only have originated in the mind of a real estate mogul who once thought the best way to stop a hurricane was to nuke it. This isn't diplomacy; it's a foreclosure notice delivered by a man who doesn’t realize the bank already burned down.

The "Greenland row" is the perfect distillation of our collective intellectual bankruptcy. On one side, we have the American President, a man whose primary contribution to Western civilization is the normalization of the spray tan, insisting that the United States "needs control" of this frozen expanse. His rhetoric—if one can call the grunts of a cornered salesman rhetoric—is centered on the idea that "something is going to happen that is going to be good for everybody." In the lexicon of the narcissistic grifter, "everybody" is a highly exclusive demographic consisting of himself, a few sycophantic donors, and perhaps a golf course architect or two. The rest of humanity is merely background noise in his personal biopic.

On the other side of the Atlantic, we have the Europeans, specifically the Danes, who are clutching their collective pearls with such vigor they might actually crack a fingernail. Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen’s dismissal of the idea as "absurd" was met with the kind of petulant American retaliation usually seen in a preschool sandbox. The Danes are performing the role of the indignant aristocrat, offended that anyone would dare suggest their sovereign territory is for sale, ignoring the historical reality that sovereignty has always been a commodity. They aren't defending the land; they are defending their own sense of moral superiority. They want to be the enlightened caretakers of the Arctic, even as they enjoy the luxuries of a world built on the very extraction they pretend to abhor.

Let us be honest about why Greenland is suddenly the belle of the ball. It isn’t because of the breathtaking vistas or the resilient Inuit culture. It’s because the planet is dying. As the ice melts—thanks in no small part to the industrial gluttony of the very nations now bickering over it—the treasures beneath the permafrost are finally becoming accessible. Rare earth minerals, oil, and new shipping lanes are the prizes. This isn't a "row" over territory; it’s a fight between vultures over who gets the first bite of the carcass. The irony of using the destruction of the environment as a reason to acquire more environment to destroy is a loop of stupidity so tight it’s a wonder anyone involved can still breathe.

The "strategic importance" of Greenland is the euphemism of choice for the military-industrial complex. It’s the same tired script we’ve seen in every conflict since the dawn of the nation-state: "We need this land to protect you from those people over there." Meanwhile, "those people" are saying the exact same thing. It is a zero-sum game played by people who couldn't balance a checkbook but are more than happy to gamble with the future of the species. The American Right views the island as a giant bunker with a view; the American Left views the "row" as another opportunity to signal their virtuous outrage while offering absolutely no viable alternative to the status quo of global resource hoarding.

"We'll work something out," the President says, with the breezy confidence of a man who has spent his life failing upward and leaving a trail of unpaid contractors in his wake. It is the signature phrase of the post-truth era. It promises everything and guarantees nothing. It is a verbal shrug. It suggests that the complex tapestries of international law, indigenous rights, and environmental protection are just minor details to be smoothed over in a backroom deal. And given the state of the world, he’s probably right. Our institutions are so hollowed out, our leaders so intellectually stunted, and our public discourse so degraded that "working something out" usually just means the person with the loudest voice and the least shame wins.

As for the "tension" between the US and Europe that the media is so eager to chronicle, it is nothing more than a lovers' spat between two aging empires who realize they are both irrelevant. They are fighting over a piece of ice that is literally liquefying beneath their feet. It is a tragicomedy for the ages, a satire that writes itself so effectively that my job as a "non-journalist" is almost redundant. We are watching the masters of the universe argue over who gets the best seat on the Titanic, while the band plays a catchy tune about "global cooperation." If this is the best that humanity has to offer, the polar bears aren't the only ones who are doomed.