The Great White North has finally found its purpose again, and as usual, that purpose is defined entirely by someone else’s existence. According to the latest reports on the socio-political fallout of Donald Trump’s second act, Canadians are experiencing a ‘surge in patriotism.’ Let us be clear: in Canada, ‘patriotism’ is not a proactive love of country, but a reactive spasm of ‘At Least We Aren’t Them.’ It is the geopolitical equivalent of feeling good about your crumbling apartment because your neighbor’s unit is currently on fire and being televised in 4K. This isn't a national awakening; it’s a collective shudder from a population whose primary personality trait is being a slightly more polite version of the thing they claim to despise.

The real news suggests that Canadians are traveling to the United States less frequently and avoiding American brands as a form of protest. This is the ultimate performative gesture. It’s a boycott from people who have no other options. The Canadian economy is essentially three banks, a telecommunications oligopoly, and a maple syrup cartel in a trench coat, all of which are inextricably tethered to the American engine. Avoiding a weekend trip to a Target in Buffalo isn't a revolutionary act; it's a pathetic attempt to feel morally superior while your own domestic retail landscape is a graveyard of overpriced mediocrity. They stay home, clutching their loonies, pretending that spending eighteen dollars on a head of cauliflower in a Toronto grocery store is a blow against global populism.

Trump’s impact on Canada’s psyche is profound only because it highlights the existential vacuum at the heart of the Canadian identity. For decades, the nation has relied on the ‘Sunny Ways’ of the Liberal elite—a brand of politics that is essentially a yoga class taught by a trust fund baby. But as the orange shadow looms again, that performative progressivism is curdling into a desperate, sweating need to differentiate. The Liberals in Ottawa are scrambling to posture as the adults in the room, while the Conservative opposition salivates at the prospect of importing the same brand of grievance politics that they claim to be ‘protecting’ the country from. It’s a race to the bottom where the winner gets to manage a branch-plant economy for a crumbling empire.

The reported decrease in cross-border shopping is particularly hilarious. Canadians have spent the better part of a century treating the US border as a release valve for their own high cost of living. Now, they are choosing to stay in their own overpriced suburbs, trapped in a cycle of debt and housing bubbles, all for the privilege of not seeing a MAGA hat at a Florida gas station. It’s a form of self-flagellation disguised as virtue. They aren't staying home because they love Canada; they’re staying home because they’re terrified that the contagion of American absurdity might be airborne. Newsflash: it’s already there. The same populist rot, the same intellectual decay, and the same worship of the almighty grift are well-established in the Canadian provinces; they just happen to occur at a slightly lower decibel level.

Economically, the impact is described as ‘profound.’ Of course it is. When your entire national strategy involves being the quiet attic above a meth lab, you don't get to act surprised when the fumes start coming through the floorboards. The trade threats, the tariffs, and the ‘America First’ rhetoric are merely reminders that Canada is not an independent actor on the world stage—it is a rounding error in a Mar-a-Lago ledger. The frantic efforts by Canadian politicians to secure ‘carve-outs’ and ‘exemptions’ are the diplomatic equivalent of a toddler asking for a dessert after their parents have decided to sell the house. It is embarrassing to watch, and yet, the Canadian public laps it up as a sign of ‘strong leadership.’

Historically, Canada has always thrived on this parasitic relationship. It takes the defense spending of the US and the cultural output of the US, then adds a layer of smug, taxpayer-funded healthcare and calls it a civilization. But with Trump 2.0, the mask is slipping. The ‘surge in patriotism’ is a desperate attempt to patch a sinking ship with maple-flavored duct tape. There is no grand vision in Ottawa, no alternative economic model, and certainly no intellectual resistance. There is only the frantic, annoyed buzz of a mosquito realizing the host is about to use the bug spray.

In the end, this ‘impact’ on Canada is just another chapter in the long, boring history of North American co-dependency. The Canadians will continue to tweet their disapproval from the safety of their government-subsidized bubbles, the Americans will continue to ignore them, and the world will continue to spin toward its inevitable, stupid conclusion. Whether Canadians shop at Target or Canadian Tire is irrelevant; they are still buying the same plastic garbage manufactured in the same factories, funding the same global oligarchs, and pretending that their choice of retail outlet constitutes a moral philosophy. It’s all a farce, played out in the cold, by people who are too tired to do anything but complain about the weather and the neighbors.