WASHINGTON—Defending the decision to launch a barrage of Hellfire missiles into West Africa, members of the House Foreign Affairs Committee announced Tuesday that the intelligence justifying the intervention was “extremely credible” as it had been provided by a man who really knows his way around a Phillips head. “We cannot sit idly by while threats mount, especially after reviewing the harrowing dossier provided by Mr. Gary Henderson, a regional sales rep for Snap-on Tools who assured us the situation in Abuja is ‘stripped tighter than a rusty lug nut,’” said Rep. Michael McCaul, waving a crumpled invoice for three variable-speed impact drivers that also contained a crude drawing of a bomb labeled ‘Bad Guys Here.’ “While the CIA and NSA offered conflicting reports, Mr. Henderson’s analysis was clear, direct, and came with a lifetime warranty on all hand tools. If a man can explain the torque necessity of a 3/8-inch drive, he is clearly qualified to direct U.S. drone policy. We are confident that once we purchase the extended catalog package he is offering, we will have the tactical advantage necessary to bring stability to the region.” At press time, the Pentagon was reportedly preparing a ground invasion of Niger after a local pool cleaner mentioned he “saw something weird” on the news.