Oh, look. Another day, another agonizing exercise in political theater that makes me wish for the sweet, silent vacuum of space. The latest script from the writers of ‘The Decline of the American Empire’ features a familiar orange-hued protagonist who allegedly broke his ‘anti-war’ vows. To anyone with a brain cell that isn’t currently drowning in domestic beer or soy lattes, this isn’t news. It’s a Tuesday. Donald Trump, a man whose entire philosophy can be summarized as ‘I want that, and I want it cheap,’ never intended to be a man of peace. He simply wanted to be a man of pieces—specifically, pieces of other people's territory. He isn't a dove; he’s just a real estate developer who views the Pentagon as a bloated demolition crew. If he can’t put his name on it in gold leaf, he doesn’t see the point in bombing it, unless, of course, the bombing increases the value of the golf course next door.

Enter the Democrats. Our valiant defenders of democracy—or so they tell themselves during their $5,000-a-plate fundraisers. They’ve decided to ‘seize’ on this. I love that word, ‘seize.’ It implies a level of physical exertion and tactical brilliance that the DNC hasn’t possessed since the Truman administration. Their grand plan? To use Trump’s desire to purchase Greenland and his posturing toward Venezuela as ‘cudgels.’ A cudgel is a heavy club. What the Democrats are holding is more like a soggy pool noodle. They are pivoting to ‘affordability,’ the political equivalent of bringing a spreadsheet to a knife fight. They want to talk about the cost of groceries while the world burns, ignoring the fact that their own foreign policy record is a graveyard of good intentions and bad execution.

Let’s talk about Greenland. Only a man whose brain is a swirling vortex of ego and late-night television could look at a massive, ice-covered autonomous territory and think, ‘I’ll take that for a billion, and I’ll throw in a hotel.’ It was the ultimate reveal of the Trumpian soul: everything is for sale, and geography is just a menu. But the truly pathetic part isn’t Trump’s absurd offer; it’s the fact that the Democrats think they can win an argument by pointing out how much his fantasies cost. They aren't horrified by the imperialist arrogance of it all; they're just worried about the budget. It’s the accountant’s critique of a serial killer: ‘Yes, he’s a monster, but have you seen his travel expenses?’

And then there’s Venezuela. Remember when both sides of the aisle were tripping over each other to see who could recognize Juan Guaidó the fastest? The Democrats didn't hate the idea of meddling; they just hated that Trump was doing it with the grace of a drunken elephant in a china shop. Now, they want to ‘hammer’ him on it. They want to pretend they weren't right there with him, nodding their heads while the sanctions bit into the very people they claimed to be ‘saving.’ It is a masterclass in hypocrisy. The Right is a collection of morons who think a trade war is something you can win with a tweet, and the Left is a collection of performative activists who think a strongly worded letter is a weapon of mass destruction.

What we are witnessing is the convergence of two equally vacuous ideologies. On one side, you have the transactional nihilism of Trump, where ‘anti-war’ just means ‘war is too expensive unless I get a cut.’ On the other, you have the opportunistic desperation of the Democrats, who are trying to turn foreign policy blunders into a campaign about the price of eggs. They are fighting over the steering wheel of a car that’s already flying off a cliff, arguing about whether the upholstery is stain-resistant while the ground rushes up to meet them. They call these issues ‘cudgels,’ but to the rest of us, they are just more evidence that the people in charge are fundamentally incapable of basic human logic.

The American voter is expected to choose between a man who thinks he can buy sovereign nations like a used Corolla and a party that thinks the best way to stop him is to talk about the ‘affordability’ of his madness. It’s not a choice; it’s a hostage situation. We are trapped in a cycle of stupidity where the only thing being ‘seized’ is our collective sanity. The Democrats won’t ‘hammer’ Trump because their own hammers are made of glass. They are terrified of being called ‘weak,’ so they pivot to economics, hoping the rubes won’t notice that they don’t actually have a plan for peace either. In the end, it doesn’t matter who wins. Whether it’s the orange grifter or the blue-branded bureaucrats, the result is the same: a slow, agonizing descent into irrelevance, funded by our tax dollars and narrated by people who couldn't tell the truth if their lives depended on it. Which, luckily for them, it doesn’t.