There is a particular brand of intellectual rot that can only be cultivated in the hallowed halls of international diplomacy, and South Africa’s latest maritime adventure is a vintage vintage. In a move that suggests the African National Congress has finally traded its remaining brain cells for a subscription to 'Autocrats Monthly,' Pretoria has decided to host naval exercises with Russia, China, and Iran. It’s a delightful little slumber party for the world’s most sanctioned pariahs, and it’s all happening right as the United States prepares to re-embrace the chaotic, transactional embrace of Donald Trump. One has to admire the timing; it takes a special kind of talent to walk into a room full of gasoline while flicking a Zippo and wondering why the neighbors are screaming.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t a 'strategic partnership.' It’s a desperate plea for relevance from a nation that can’t even keep its own lightbulbs flickering for twenty-four consecutive hours. The ANC, a body whose primary contribution to the twenty-first century has been proving that you can, in fact, loot a country into the stone age while maintaining a posture of insufferable moral superiority, calls this 'non-alignment.' To anyone with a functioning frontal lobe, it looks like a teenager joining a gang of arsonists just to annoy their wealthy, overbearing stepdad in Washington. The 'non-aligned' movement has always been a farce, a collective of middle-management nations pretending they aren't just waiting to see which superpower offers the best kickbacks, but this latest iteration is particularly pathetic.

On one side of this nautical circus, we have Russia, a nation whose navy is currently most famous for being converted into artificial reefs by a country without a functional fleet. On another, we have Iran, the world’s leading exporter of theological gloom and explosive drones. Then there is China, the silent landlord of the developing world, hovering in the background with a clipboard, waiting to see which South African port they’ll be foreclosing on next. And in the middle of it all is South Africa, providing the water and the optics, apparently convinced that playing war games with this 'Axis of Outcasts' will somehow balance the scales against Western hegemony. It won’t. It just ensures that when the next round of trade agreements comes up, Pretoria will be sitting at the kids' table with a dunce cap on.

Enter Donald Trump. The man views foreign policy not as a delicate balance of interests, but as a series of personal insults and real estate disputes. He is already at loggerheads with Pretoria, and these war games are the diplomatic equivalent of South Africa keying his limousine. Trump doesn't do 'nuance.' He doesn't care about the historical ties between the ANC and the Soviet Union, nor does he care about the performative anti-imperialism that keeps the South African electorate distracted from the fact that their unemployment rate is a national emergency. He sees a country siding with his enemies, and he will react with the predictable, blunt-force trauma of tariffs, sanctions, and social media tantrums. The US-South Africa relationship is currently a high-speed train heading toward a cliff, and the ANC has decided the best course of action is to shovel more coal into the engine.

The sheer hypocrisy on display is enough to make a nihilist blush. Pretoria loves to lecture the world on human rights and international law—except, apparently, when those laws are being treated as a suggestion by their houseguests. They’ll scream about sovereignty from the rooftops of the UN, then roll out the red carpet for a Russian fleet that represents the very antithesis of the 'rainbow nation' fantasy. It’s all a grift. Everything is a grift. The ANC needs the BRICS optics to pretend they have a plan for the future, while the West needs an African villain to justify their own crumbling moral high ground.

We are watching the death throes of a coherent world order, replaced by a playground fight where the bullies are all senile and the victims are all complicit. These naval exercises aren't about defense; they are about vanity. They are about a group of failing states and aspiring hegemons standing on the decks of rusting ships, looking out at an ocean that doesn't care about their flags or their ideologies. The sea will eventually swallow these ships, just as history will swallow these regimes, leaving nothing behind but the salty residue of their collective incompetence. In the meantime, we get to watch the spectacle: a slow-motion car crash on water, fueled by ego and destined for a watery grave. Enjoy the show; it’s the only thing any of these governments are actually good at producing.