After a decade of heavy breathing and existential stalling, the Members of the European Parliament have finally emerged from their mahogany-lined cocoons to back a text that might—just might—prevent airlines from treating human beings like self-loading luggage. It only took ten years. To put that in perspective, the Roman Empire was built in less time than it took these bureaucrats to decide that a three-hour delay is the threshold for human patience. We are living in a golden age of legislative efficiency, provided your definition of 'efficiency' involves the pace of a tectonic plate with a hangover.

The core of this revolutionary breakthrough is the radical notion that if an airline strands you in a terminal that smells like stale Cinnabon and desperation for more than three hours, they might actually owe you a refund. Naturally, the airlines are reacting with the grace of a toddler being told they can’t have bleach for breakfast. They’ve begun their predictable chorus of doom, claiming that being forced to show basic competency and punctuality will drive them into bankruptcy. It is a fascinating economic argument: 'Our business model is so fragile that if we are required to actually deliver the service we sold, the entire industry will collapse.' If your company is one refund away from insolvency, perhaps you shouldn’t be in the business of hurtling metal tubes through the stratosphere.

Then there is the issue of 'free' hand luggage. The MEPs have decided that you shouldn't have to pay a surcharge equivalent to a small mortgage just to bring a backpack onto a plane. For years, budget carriers have been engaged in a race to the bottom, stripping away every vestige of dignity until the only thing included in the ticket price was the right to sit in a seat that feels like it was upholstered in recycled sandpaper. They’ve spent the last decade inventing new and creative ways to nickel-and-dime the traveling public, turning the simple act of packing a toothbrush into a high-stakes financial negotiation. And yet, the MEPs act as though they’ve just handed down the Ten Commandments, when in reality, they’ve merely suggested that we stop letting corporations charge us for the air we breathe while sitting in Row 34-F.

But let’s not give the MEPs too much credit. This isn’t a law yet. It’s a 'text' that needs to be 'endorsed' by EU countries. In the Byzantine labyrinth of European governance, 'endorsed' is code for 'subjected to another five years of lobbying by people in expensive suits who want to make sure the loopholes are large enough to fly a Boeing 737 through.' The politicians are preening for the cameras, desperate for a win to show their constituents that they do more than just collect per diems and argue about the curvature of cucumbers. They want you to believe they are the thin blue line between you and the predatory instincts of Ryanair, but they’ve spent a decade watching the airlines gut passenger rights while they adjusted their ties.

And what of the passengers? The 'victims' in this tragicomedy. We are the idiots who keep buying these 20-euro tickets to Ibiza, fully aware that the airline views us as a nuisance that occasionally pays for a overpriced ham sandwich. We have traded our comfort and our rights for the sake of a cheap weekend away, and now we expect the most bloated bureaucracy on Earth to save us from our own thrift. We want the bargain-bin price but the boutique-hotel service. Both sides of this equation are delusional. The airlines are greedy, yes, but they are only feeding the monster we created when we decided that a flight should cost less than a decent steak.

The airlines’ whining about bankruptcy is particularly galling when you consider the billions in state aid many of them slurped up during the pandemic. They love the 'free market' when it allows them to charge 50 euros for a carry-on bag, but they suddenly become fans of socialist intervention the moment their bottom line is threatened by a bit of consumer protection. It is a spectacle of hypocrisy that would be breathtaking if it weren't so mundane. They treat punctuality as a suggestion and customer service as an insult, yet they have the audacity to claim that a three-hour compensation window is an 'unreasonable burden.'

In the end, this is just more theater for the masses. Even if the EU countries endorse this, the airlines will find a new way to extract their pound of flesh. Perhaps they’ll start charging a 'jet bridge usage fee' or an 'oxygen saturation tax.' And the MEPs will wait another decade to notice. We are trapped in a cycle of corporate predatory behavior and glacial regulatory response, where the only thing that moves at supersonic speed is the rate at which our dignity is eroded. Don't cheer for the three-hour rule. It's not a victory; it's a reminder of how low the bar has actually fallen.