After twenty-five years of expensive lunches, carbon-heavy transatlantic flights, and the kind of bureaucratic posturing that would make a Kafkaesque protagonist weep with envy, the Mercosur bloc and the European Union have finally decided to sign their 'historic' trade deal. Twenty-five years. To put that into perspective for the mathematically challenged or those currently distracted by the latest shiny distraction on their smartphones, it took less time to fight both World Wars, go to the moon, and invent the internet than it took for a group of overpaid functionaries to agree on the price of Argentinian beef and French cheese. It is a staggering achievement in the art of doing absolutely nothing while pretending the fate of the world hangs in the balance. On Saturday, they will put ink to paper, creating one of the largest free trade areas in existence, just as the rest of the planet decides that free trade is about as fashionable as a rotary phone in a silicon chip factory.

The timing is, of course, impeccable in its stupidity. We are currently witnessing a global retreat into the warm, suffocating embrace of protectionism. While the rest of the world is busy erecting walls, slapping on tariffs like bumper stickers on a hoarder’s sedan, and retreating into tribalistic economic silos, these two decaying behemoths have emerged from their respective caves to declare that the 1990s are finally back. It’s like watching two dinosaurs try to consummate a marriage while the asteroid is already visible in the upper atmosphere. The European Union, a collective of nations so obsessed with regulation they’d try to pass a directive on the acceptable curvature of a cloud, is pairing up with Mercosur—a South American bloc that historically functions with all the stability of a Jenga tower during an earthquake.

Let’s look at the players in this farcical drama. On one side, we have the EU, the self-appointed moral compass of the planet. They spent decades stalling this deal because of 'environmental concerns,' which is the polite Brussels way of saying they didn't want French farmers to set fire to Paris because their subsidized, artisanal cows couldn't compete with the vast, industrial-scale ranching of the Pampas. The EU pretends to care about the Amazon rainforest only when it serves as a convenient tactical roadblock to protect their domestic markets. It’s a masterclass in performative virtue; they will lecture you on your carbon footprint while importing millions of tons of soy to feed the livestock that provides the very meat they claim is destroying the planet. Their hypocrisy is not just a trait; it’s a foundational policy.

On the other side, we have Mercosur—comprised of Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay, and Paraguay—nations that have spent the last quarter-century alternating between economic miracles and total fiscal collapse. They view this deal as a life raft, ignoring the fact that the raft is being provided by an entity that requires you to fill out 400 pages of paperwork before you’re allowed to drown. The leaders of these nations will parade this as a victory for 'growth' and 'modernization,' two words that in South American politics usually translate to 'a slightly more efficient way to funnel public funds into private offshore accounts.' They are desperate for market access to a Europe that is increasingly sclerotic, aging, and obsessed with its own decline.

The reality of this 'world-class' trade area is that it will change almost nothing for the average person, who will continue to see their purchasing power eroded by the very governments currently patting themselves on the back. The deal is a monument to the endurance of the administrative class. Think of the thousands of bureaucrats who have retired on full pensions after spending their entire careers 'negotiating' this single document. They have lived lives of quiet, taxpayer-funded luxury, debating the intricacies of geographical indicators for sparkling wine while the industries they claim to represent were hollowed out by technological shifts they failed to foresee.

This is the ultimate triumph of process over results. The signing on Saturday is not a beginning; it’s a funeral for an era of globalism that died a decade ago but forgot to stop walking. The 'volatility' mentioned in the press releases is just a euphemism for the fact that the world is on fire and the people in charge are arguing over the duty-free status of a crate of lemons. We are expected to applaud this as a victory for international cooperation, but it is actually a testament to the sheer, grinding inertia of human institutions. It took twenty-five years to decide how to sell things to each other. If this is the best the brightest minds of two continents can produce, then the asteroid can’t come fast enough. Enjoy your cheaper Merlot and your slightly less expensive Brazilian steak; they are the consolation prizes for living in a world governed by the glacial and the greedy.