The International Olympic Committee (IOC)—that ossified fraternity of well-fed bureaucrats whose primary athletic discipline is the high-speed laundering of bribe money—has made a startling discovery. Through the tireless efforts of researchers who have apparently just encountered the concept of a ‘thermometer,’ the world has been informed that the ‘Winter’ Olympics are currently facing a bit of a damp problem. New research suggests that if we wish to continue watching spandex-clad trust-funders slide down frozen hills, we must move the entire circus to higher altitudes and spread the logistical nightmare across multiple venues. It is a revelation so profound it could only have been birthed by a committee that spent the last thirty years pretending the sun was merely a liberal conspiracy.

Let’s analyze the sheer, unadulterated hubris of this proposal. The IOC, an organization that treats fiscal responsibility and environmental stewardship like a mild case of herpes, is suggesting that the solution to a planetary heat death is simply to retreat to the peaks. It is the ultimate metaphor for our decaying civilization: when the ground becomes too hot for your hobbies, simply relocate to a loftier altitude where the air is thin and the peasants are physically unable to climb. The research notes that the number of climate-reliable hosts is dwindling. This is news only to the sort of people who believe that a ‘carbon footprint’ is something you can wash off with enough champagne.

On the Left, we will undoubtedly see a fresh wave of performative hand-wringing. The ‘Green Olympics’ advocates will crawl out of their LEED-certified woodwork to demand that the snow be made of organic, fair-trade frozen tears, while ignoring the fact that the carbon cost of flying thirty thousand athletes, coaches, and ‘hospitality consultants’ to a remote Himalayan peak is roughly equivalent to firebombing a rainforest. They will tweet their outrage from the back of a luxury shuttle, calling for ‘sustainable adaptation’ while the glaciers they are standing on dissolve into the fetid puddles of the Anthropocene. It is a masterclass in narcissistic delusion, treating a global existential crisis as a mere scheduling conflict for the luge finals.

Meanwhile, the Right will respond with their customary blend of aggressive ignorance and short-term greed. They will dismiss the retreat to higher altitudes as a plot by ‘Big Altitude’ to sell more oxygen tanks, or perhaps they will suggest that if the ice is melting, we should simply switch to sand-skiing. To them, the environment is just a series of obstacles to be paved over or drilled through. The idea that we might actually stop the warming is dismissed as a fantasy, but the idea of spending billions of dollars to build a bobsled track on a retreating permafrost ridge is seen as ‘sound economic development.’ It is a race to the bottom, conducted at twelve thousand feet above sea level.

Then there is the ‘multiple venues’ suggestion. This is a stroke of logistical genius if your goal is to maximize the carbon footprint and ensure that absolutely no one has a good time. Instead of ruining one specific mountain range, the IOC now proposes to distribute the ecological devastation across several regions simultaneously. It’s decentralized destruction. Imagine the thrill of a ‘multi-city’ winter games where the curling is in Stockholm, the skiing is in the Andes, and the closing ceremony is held in a giant, air-conditioned tent in the middle of a desert, because that’s where the sponsors live. This isn’t an adaptation; it’s a desperate attempt to keep the television rights revenue flowing while the stadium literally sinks into the mud.

The research points out that by 2050, only a handful of previous hosts will remain viable. This should be the moment where humanity pauses to reflect on its path. Instead, we are looking for ways to manufacture snow at the edge of the atmosphere. The sheer entitlement required to believe that the ‘show must go on’ while the planet is screaming for an ice pack is breathtaking. We are witnessing the death rattles of a twentieth-century vanity project that has outlived its usefulness, its dignity, and now, its climate.

In the end, the IOC’s scramble for higher ground is perfectly representative of the modern human condition. We don’t want to fix the problem; we just want to find a way to stay comfortable while the problem consumes everyone else. The Winter Olympics was always a niche pursuit for those with the leisure time to master gravity on ice, but its transformation into a nomadic, high-altitude refugee camp for the sporting elite is the final, pathetic punchline. We are a species that would rather build a stadium on a volcano than turn off the oven. Enjoy the view from the top, while it lasts. The descent is going to be very, very wet.