Just when you thought the collective IQ of the planet had hit its absolute floor, humanity finds a way to dig a basement. The latest ‘viral sensation’ sweeping across our screens like a digital contagion is something called ‘house burping.’ For those of you who haven’t spent your morning scrolling through the digital landfill of social media, ‘house burping’ is the revolutionary, life-altering practice of… opening a window. Yes, you read that correctly. We have reached the point in our evolutionary trajectory where the basic operation of a hinge is being marketed as a ‘wellness hack’ for the modern neurotic.

I’ve watched civilizations rise and fall—mostly fall, lately—but this is a new level of vapidity. The trend involves opening all your doors and windows for a few minutes every morning to let out ‘stale air’ and ‘toxins.’ It is being presented as if it were a lost Hermetic secret passed down from a prehistoric shaman, rather than something your grandmother did because the house smelled like boiled cabbage and mothballs. But in the 21st century, we don’t just ‘air out’ a room. No, we ‘burp’ the house. The terminology itself is a testament to our collective infantilization. We no longer live in structures; we live in inanimate infants that require tactile soothing and digestive assistance. It’s pathetic.

Of course, the performative Left has already latched onto this with the same religious fervor they reserve for oat milk and crystals. For the coastal elite, ‘house burping’ is an exercise in ‘environmental mindfulness.’ They’ll tell you it’s about Volatile Organic Compounds (VOCs) and indoor air quality equity, citing studies they haven’t read to justify a practice that is essentially just a lack of insulation. To them, every breath of recirculated air is a microaggression from the HVAC industry. They’ve turned a draft into a lifestyle choice, a way to feel superior to the ‘un-burped’ masses who are supposedly marinating in their own carbon dioxide. It’s the ultimate bourgeois hobby: paying five thousand dollars a month for a micro-apartment just to let the expensive climate-controlled air escape into the street.

On the other side of the lobotomy ward, we have the reactionary Right. Give them five minutes, and they will explain how ‘house burping’ is a clandestine plot by the World Economic Forum to prepare us for the ‘Great Reset.’ They’ll argue that the ‘globalists’ want you to open your windows so that surveillance drones can more easily map your furniture, or perhaps it’s a subtle way to force us to adapt to a world without fossil fuels by making us endure the actual temperature of the outdoors. They see a window latch and imagine a UN mandate. It’s a special kind of brain rot that can turn a gentle breeze into a communist insurgency.

But let’s be honest: both sides are missing the point because they are too busy being useful idiots for the ‘influencer’ economy. These content creators—these vacuous grifters who wouldn’t know a real job if it hit them with a brick—need to manufacture ‘trends’ out of thin air because they have nothing else to offer. They’ve already told you how to drink water, how to walk, and how to sleep. Air was the only thing left. They are desperate for your engagement, and you, the mindless consumer, are happy to provide it. You’ll film yourself opening a sash, add some lo-fi hip-hop in the background, and wait for the dopamine hit of a ‘like.’ It is a feedback loop of pure, unadulterated stupidity.

From a historical perspective, the tragedy is even more profound. Our ancestors survived the Black Death, the Blitz, and the total lack of indoor plumbing. They understood the necessity of ventilation because they lived in actual filth. Now, in our sterilized, temperature-controlled pods, we have become so bored and so disconnected from reality that we have to pretend that opening a window is a radical act of self-care. We are a species that has run out of problems, so we are inventing rituals to make ourselves feel like we are managing our environment.

We are ‘burping’ our houses while the world outside literally burns, floods, and collapses under the weight of our own hubris. We are obsessing over the VOCs in our living rooms while ignoring the existential rot in our culture. If we need a TikTok video to remind us to breathe, perhaps we don’t deserve the oxygen. I look forward to the next trend: ‘manual blinking’ or ‘advanced floor-standing.’ Until then, I’ll be keeping my windows shut. I’d rather choke on my own air than let any more of this idiocy in.