BOGOTÁ—Visibly trembling with a newfound thirst for blood and high-yield real estate development, Colombian President Gustavo Petro reportedly hung up the phone with U.S. President-elect Donald Trump on Tuesday and immediately ordered a "huge, beautiful" airstrike on the National Liberation Army (ELN). Sources within the Casa de Nariño confirmed that mere seconds after Trump allegedly told Petro he could "make Colombia great again by getting rid of the bad hombres," the former guerilla fighter experienced a sudden ideological epiphany, scrapping his entire "Total Peace" platform and asking aides if it was possible to rebrand the Colombian military as "Space Force South."

"I used to think dialogue was the path to reconciliation, but then Donald explained that ‘talking is for broke people’ and that I should just ‘hit them with the big ones,’" said a wide-eyed Petro, who was later seen browsing a catalog for gold-plated tanks and practicing firing people in front of a mirror. "The ELN aren’t revolutionaries; they are, as Mr. Trump so eloquently put it, ‘low-energy losers’ with ‘very nasty ratings.’ I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I am now a capitalist. Drill, baby, drill." At press time, Petro was seen trying to legally change the name of the Amazon Rainforest to "The Trump-Petro Freedom Jungle & Casino."