Well, breathe a sigh of relief, everyone. The great nightmare is over. The terrifying threat that kept our politicians awake at night, shaking in their custom-made boots, has been neutralized. I am, of course, talking about TikTok. For years, we have been told that this app is the end of the world. We were told it was a spy tool, a digital weapon, a Trojan horse sent to rot the minds of our youth and steal the secrets of our nation. But fear not. The ban has been avoided. The crisis is averted. And how did the brilliant minds in charge solve this complex geopolitical puzzle? Did they write better privacy laws? Did they fix the internet? Of course not. They just made sure some rich Americans got a cut of the profits.

According to the latest news, TikTok has finalized a deal to set up a new "US entity." This is the magic phrase that makes all the scary problems go away. The app that was supposedly too dangerous to exist is now perfectly safe because—wait for it—Larry Ellison is involved. Yes, the deal includes Oracle, the tech giant run by one of the wealthiest men on the planet. It also involves a private equity group called Silver Lake and MGX, an investment firm from Abu Dhabi. These groups will own about 80 percent of this new venture. ByteDance, the Chinese company that actually built the thing, keeps about 20 percent.

Let’s just pause and admire the sheer absurdity of this solution. The argument against TikTok was always about national security. We were told that we couldn't trust a Chinese company with American data. The politicians shouted until they were red in the face that the Chinese government might use the app to influence us or spy on us. It was a matter of life and death, they said. But apparently, national security has a price tag. As long as the majority of the shares are held by entities that speak English—or at least, speak the language of Wall Street—the spying concerns vanish into thin air. It turns out that data mining is only evil if the wrong people are cashing the checks.

Look at the new owners. We have Oracle, a company that has been around forever, mostly known for boring database software and its founder’s love of buying entire Hawaiian islands. Then we have Silver Lake, which is just money dressed up in a suit. And let’s not forget the third piece of this "majority American-owned" pie: MGX. As I mentioned, they are from Abu Dhabi. Last I checked, Abu Dhabi is not in Kansas. It is in the United Arab Emirates. So, to protect Americans from foreign influence, we have handed a chunk of the company to... another foreign country. But they are the "right" kind of foreigners, apparently. The kind with deep pockets who buy the right kind of real estate.

This entire saga has been a theater of the absurd. The politicians got to stand on their soapboxes and pound their chests about being tough on China. They got to pretend they were protecting the innocent citizens from the big bad algorithm. But in the end, it was never about protection. It was about leverage. It was a shakedown. The message was clear: "Nice social media app you have there. It would be a shame if someone banned it. Maybe if you let our friends buy it, we can work something out."

And what happens to ByteDance? They keep 19.9 percent. They don't go away. They just become a minority partner in their own creation. They still get paid. They still get to say they have a foothold in the West. The only difference is that now, a bunch of investment bankers and tech moguls get to sit at the table with them. The code is the same. The algorithm that keeps you scrolling until 3 AM is the same. The data collection that tracks your every move is the same. The only thing that has changed is the mailing address for the bank deposits.

This is the perfect example of how the modern world works. We don't solve problems; we just repackage them. We don't actually care about privacy; we just care about who owns the privacy violation. If a foreign rival is tracking what dance videos you like, it’s a national emergency. If a US-based consortium does it, it’s just good business.

So, congratulations to the United States. You have successfully sidestepped the ban. You have saved the right for millions of people to watch lip-sync videos without interruption. And you did it the old-fashioned way: by making sure the rich guys on your side of the ocean got a piece of the action. The legal battles are ending. The lawyers are going home. The politicians can pat themselves on the back. And somewhere, in a boardroom, glasses are clinking as the data keeps flowing, safe and sound in the hands of the highest bidder.