DAMASCUS—In a breathtaking display of benevolent statesmanship following three days of what the government described as 'vigorous kinetic negotiations,' President Ahmed al-Sharaa announced Friday that his administration is fully committed to upholding the Kurds’ unalienable right to briefly occupy space before immediately retreating.

'Let it be known that under my leadership, the Kurdish minority shall enjoy the utmost dignity and respect, specifically the respect required to pack their bags and vacate the premises east of Aleppo,' said al-Sharaa, shouting to be heard over the sound of outgoing mortar fire that was reportedly clearing a path for the new civil liberties to take hold. 'We recognize their cultural heritage, their history, and most importantly, their fundamental human right to not be in the exact spot I want my tanks to be.'

The President clarified that these sweeping new freedoms—which include the Right to Silence, the Right to Rapid Displacement, and the Freedom to Agree With The Government—are strictly conditional on Kurdish forces continuing their current withdrawal. Government officials noted that if the minority group pauses their retreat for any reason, their legal status will be immediately downgraded from 'Valued Citizens' to 'Target Practice.'

At press time, al-Sharaa was seen finalizing a peace treaty that would grant the Kurds full autonomy over a small, unventilated room in the basement of a Damascus detention center.