Welcome back to the global theater of the absurd, where the world’s most powerful toddlers have decided that the Arctic is not a fragile ecosystem, but rather a neglected lot on a Monopoly board. In the latest installment of 'Empire of the Deal,' we find the United States once again looking at Greenland with the hungry, unblinking eyes of a predatory real estate developer who’s just spotted a foreclosure opportunity. The resulting 'threatening rhetoric' from the American administration has sent our friends in the European Union into a state of performative cardiac arrest, led by Sweden’s very own Ulf Kristersson, a man who carries himself with all the geopolitical weight of a middle-manager at an IKEA logistics center.

Kristersson, the Swedish Prime Minister, emerged on Sunday to express his 'high criticism' of the U.S. approach. It’s a fascinating sight: Sweden, a nation that spent decades perfecting the art of being a very polite doormat until it realized it needed NATO to tuck it in at night, is now lecturing others on rhetoric. Kristersson’s indignation is as predictable as it is hollow. He’s joined by the German government, which has 'reiterated its support' for Denmark and Greenland. This is, of course, the same Germany that spent years tying its energy umbilical cord to a Siberian gas station while pretending it was the moral conscience of the continent. Their 'support' is the diplomatic equivalent of a 'Thoughts and Prayers' tweet sent from a burning house.

Let’s deconstruct the sheer, unadulterated stupidity of the American position first. The U.S. treats sovereignty like a subscription service that you can cancel if the price is right. The notion of 'buying' Greenland—a land mass with its own people, history, and a distinct lack of interest in becoming the 51st state of a crumbling empire—is the ultimate expression of the American sickness. It’s the belief that everything has a price tag, that the Westphalian system is just a set of suggestions, and that a few hundred billion dollars can buy a strategic outpost for the inevitable resource wars. It’s vulgar, it’s moronic, and it’s quintessentially American. It’s the kind of thinking that comes from someone who thinks a steak isn’t cooked unless it’s charred and served with a side of ego.

But the Europeans are no better. They aren’t defending Greenland out of some noble commitment to self-determination. No, they are clutching their pearls because they are terrified of a world where their own irrelevance is made plain. Kristersson and his German counterparts are terrified of a reality where the U.S. doesn’t even bother to lie to them anymore. For decades, the 'Transatlantic Alliance' has been a convenient fiction where the Americans provided the brawn and the Europeans provided the smug moral superiority. Now that the U.S. has stopped pretending to care about the rules of the club, the Europeans are left holding a rulebook that no one else is reading.

Greenland itself, meanwhile, remains the silent protagonist in this farce. It’s a massive island trapped between a loud-mouthed creditor who wants to pave it over and a group of 'friends' who only care about it because it’s a convenient prop for their anti-American posturing. If Kristersson or the Germans actually cared about Greenlandic sovereignty, they might spend less time criticizing 'rhetoric' and more time addressing the fact that the Arctic is melting faster than the credibility of a politician at a fundraiser. But that would require actual work, rather than the low-calorie exercise of issuing a press release expressing 'concern.'

There is a deep, dark irony in watching these bureaucrats argue over the future of a land that is currently dissolving into the ocean. The U.S. wants to buy it; the EU wants to 'protect' its status; both are ignoring the fact that the permafrost is becoming a memory. It’s like two vultures fighting over the carcass of a creature that hasn't even died yet, while a third vulture watches from the sidelines and critiques the others' table manners. This is the state of modern diplomacy: a cacophony of idiots shouting at each other across a table while the table itself is being sold for scrap metal.

Kristersson’s 'high criticism' will be forgotten by Tuesday, and the U.S. will continue to treat the globe like a strip mall. The Germans will continue to reiterate support until the wind changes direction, and we will all be left waiting for the next season of this miserable show. It’s not just that the Left is performative or the Right is greedy—it’s that they are all hopelessly, irredeemably small. They are playing a game of Risk on a board that is already on fire, and they’re arguing over the color of the dice. If this is the best the species can do, perhaps we should let the ice melt. At least then the shouting might be drowned out by the rising tides.