MAR-A-LAGO, FL—Escalating his trade war rhetoric to encompass plate tectonics, President-elect Donald Trump issued a stern ultimatum Monday threatening a 400% tariff on any European country currently "loitering" in the Atlantic Ocean between the United States and Greenland. "I look at the map, and I see a lot of clutter—Denmark, the U.K., parts of Norway—they’re all just standing there, blocking the path to my beautiful ice," said Trump, telling reporters that if the European Union did not "physically slide" its member states at least 500 miles to the east by Friday, he would ban the import of all German cars and French wines. "It’s a very simple real estate deal. You’re in my way. I want the big white island, and I don’t want to have to fly over a bunch of losers to get there. Move your countries, or pay the price." At press time, panicked E.U. leaders were reportedly holding an emergency summit in Brussels to determine if they could afford the heavy machinery required to tow the Iberian Peninsula closer to Africa.