PALM BEACH, FL—Furiously attempting to scratch off the original engraving with a divot tool, former President Donald Trump expressed profound confusion and anger Tuesday upon discovering that physically holding María Corina Machado’s Nobel Peace Prize medal did not legally make him the 2024 laureate.

'I have the gold thing. It’s heavy, it’s shiny, it’s in my hand. By the rules of Finders Keepers v. Losers Weepers, I am the peacemaker now,' Trump reportedly shouted at a terrified aide, insisting that the Norwegian Nobel Committee immediately update their website to feature a photo of him holding the medal while giving a thumbs up. 'I made a perfect deal. The best deal. She gave me the shiny necklace, and in exchange, I gave her the incredible honor of being in the same room as the medal I now own. But now the fake news media is saying my name isn't on the certificate? Nasty.'

At press time, sources confirmed Machado was still waiting in the Mar-a-Lago lobby for a promised presidential endorsement, only to be handed a coupon for 15% off a midweek round of golf.