DAMASCUS—Hailing the move as a major strategic restructuring that will streamline violence across the region, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Friday that the government had finalized a merger with Kurdish-led forces following a period of “aggressive, high-stakes negotiations.” Officials confirmed that the acquisition comes after government headhunters successfully seized key strategic assets and oil fields, convincing the militia's board of directors to accept a complete buyout or face total liquidation. “We are thrilled to welcome the Kurdish forces into the Syrian Army family, where we can leverage our combined strengths to create a vertically integrated monopoly on shelling civilians,” said government spokesperson Walid al-Moallem, noting that the heavy artillery fire exchanged over the last week was simply part of the standard due diligence process. “While there were some initial friction points regarding who controlled which territory, we found that seizing their headquarters really helped expedite the closing phase of the deal. Going forward, we expect to eliminate redundancies in the command structure, mostly by firing the other guys.” At press time, the new conglomerate was reportedly planning a company-wide retreat to Idlib to brainstorm future domination strategies.