BRUSSELS—Wiping beads of cold sweat from their brows while frantically checking to make sure the U.S. Navy wasn’t currently packing up to leave, European Union leaders announced Friday that they were fully prepared to deploy their “economic bazooka” should President-elect Trump continue his hostile bid to purchase Greenland.

“Let this be a warning to Washington: If you touch our precious, icy autonomous territory, we will not hesitate to sign a directive that raises the tariff on Kentucky bourbon by up to 3.5% over the next five fiscal years,” said European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, her voice cracking as she nervously glanced at a photo of a NATO aircraft carrier. “We possess a devastating arsenal of regulatory paperwork and bureaucratic delays that we are not afraid to use. Do not force us to schedule an emergency summit to discuss the possibility of drafting a strongly worded communiqué. We are ready to go nuclear, by which I mean we will specifically target the importation of Harley-Davidson keychains.”

At press time, sources confirmed the EU had hurriedly offered to just give Trump the country of Belgium instead if he promised to keep the missile defense systems running.