NEW YORK—Stressing that no measure was too drastic when it came to ensuring the human rights of the Iranian people, U.S. officials at the U.N. Security Council announced Tuesday that the Trump administration remains fully committed to saving oppressed demonstrators by maintaining the strategic option to level their entire neighborhoods with Tomahawk missiles.

“The United States stands with the brave people of Iran, and let me be clear: We are prepared to flatten every single block they live on to ensure they are no longer persecuted by their government,” shouted the U.S. Ambassador, emphasizing that the only way to truly guarantee a protester’s safety from police brutality is to preemptively vaporize them in a tactical airstrike. “We will not stand idly by while the regime threatens its citizens. If we have to turn Tehran into a parking lot to stop one Iranian from getting hit with a baton, that is a sacrifice we are willing to make.”

At press time, the Iranian representative rebutted the accusations by claiming the 300 deceased protesters had merely held their breath until they died to make the Ayatollah look bad.