LESBOS, GREECE—In a devastating blow to the Hellenic judicial system’s decade-long crusade against unauthorized empathy, a Greek court ruled Tuesday that 24 aid workers accused of human smuggling were, unfortunately, just stopping people from dying.

“It is with a heavy heart that we must acquit these defendants, as we were unable to find the specific legal statute that classifies handing a warm blanket to a wet toddler as ‘high-level organized crime,’” muttered Presiding Judge Giorgos Stephanopoulos, visibly frustrated as he dismissed charges against the group, which included former refugee Sara Mardini. “We spent nine years trying to prove that spotting a sinking dinghy through binoculars is the functional equivalent of trafficking heroin across a border, but apparently, a ‘desire to preserve human life’ is a valid defense in this country. It’s a sad day for prosecutors who believe CPR is a gateway drug to anarchy.”

At press time, the Greek Coast Guard issued a stern warning that while these volunteers were free to go, any future attempts to distribute water bottles to dehydrated castaways would be prosecuted as acts of bioterrorism.