Behold the Big Mac Index, the only economic metric that the average American can understand without the aid of a remedial math tutor or a stimulus check. It is a beautifully simple, if nauseating, barometer of our collective failure, and the latest readings are, quite frankly, hilarious in their misery. The Economist’s long-running index, designed as a lighthearted guide to currency valuation, has morphed into a grim ledger of the American decline. We find ourselves in an era where the burger—that sacred, gray slab of industrial meat that serves as the cornerstone of the American psyche—is becoming a luxury item. And who do we have to thank? The usual suspects: a populist demagogue with a fetish for taxes he calls 'tariffs' and a political class so insulated by lobbyist lunches that they haven't seen a drive-thru since the 1990s.

Let’s dissect the stupidity, shall we? On one side, we have the MAGA-sphere’s orange deity, a man who reportedly sustains himself on this very fast food, yet seems hell-bent on making it unaffordable for the 'forgotten man' he pretends to champion. Donald Trump’s proposed and enacted tariffs are essentially a massive sales tax on the American public, wrapped in the flag and sold as 'protectionism.' It’s the ultimate grift. By slapping taxes on everything from the machinery used to process the beef to the packaging that keeps the grease from soaking into your polyester seat covers, he is effectively taxing the base’s only source of joy. The 'America First' slogan apparently includes 'America Starving First,' or at least 'America Paying Double for a Sadder Bun.' It is a special kind of intellectual bankruptcy to believe that you can start a global trade war and not have it end up costing the guy in Ohio more for his midday heart attack in a box.

But don't let the Left off the hook; their performance in this theater of the absurd is equally nauseating. The ivory tower occupants are currently salivating over this data, using it as a cudgel to mock the 'uneducated' voters who supposedly voted against their own interests. They peer through their artisanal spectacles, sipping $9 oat milk lattes that have also tripled in price, and offer 'deeply concerned' commentary on the 'inflationary pressures of populist policy.' They love the Big Mac Index because it allows them to quantify the suffering of the masses without actually having to touch a commoner. They talk about 'equity' and 'food deserts' while secretly being thrilled that the lower classes might finally be forced to eat the kale they’ve been trying to mandate for decades. They don't want the Big Mac to be cheaper; they want it to be illegal. Their hypocrisy is a finely aged cheese that smells worse than a dumpster behind a Burger King in July.

The reality, which neither side possesses the courage to admit, is that the American economy is a house of cards held together by cheap labor and even cheaper calories. When the Big Mac Index shows that the U.S. burger is now a 'double serving of pain,' it’s telling us that the illusion of the affordable American life is dead. We are witnessing the death of the 'Globalist' dream and the 'Nationalist' dream simultaneously, leaving us with a reality where we are too broke to be a superpower and too fat to be a revolution. The tariffs are just the final, desperate flailings of an empire that can no longer compete, so it decides to tax its own dinner as a form of geopolitical tantrum.

Historically, when the cost of bread rises, empires fall. In the American context, the Big Mac is our bread. If the 'forgotten man' can’t afford his burger, he might actually have to stop and think about why his life is so miserable, and that is the one thing the political establishment cannot allow. So they will continue to bicker. The Right will blame 'woke' cows and 'socialist' supply chains, while the Left will blame 'corporate greed' while taking campaign contributions from the very corporations they denounce. Meanwhile, the price of that sesame seed bun will continue to climb, a tiny, edible tombstone for the American dream. We are a nation that has outsourced its manufacturing, hollowed out its culture, and now, we are pricing ourselves out of our own pathology. It’s almost poetic, if you have a high enough tolerance for irony and a low enough blood sugar level. Enjoy your $12 Big Mac, America. You earned every overpriced, tariff-laden bite of it.